& so she went to bed with only her sunburn to keep her warm...

All photos personal

...and slipped into a dream of brighter days spent with the one she loves.

Nebraska is where my roots have grown deep. I love my family and friends and as trite as it may sound, there really is no place like home. Lately my heart has grown restless. Sleep evades me and I find myself constantly searching for the exit to the routinized existence that has become my life. I feel a storm brewing in my soul, it's time to go...but this time, I don't want to do it alone.

Nothing is for certain. If I've learned anything over the past few years it is that my carefully constructed plans have a way of turning themselves into complete chaos, and my stumblings have a way of turning themselves into great memories, life lessons, and the happiest of accidents. There is perfection in the disorganized randomness of my life.

Time for a change in scenery?

Colorado looks good on us, no?

Someday, maybe.

We shall see. 

xoxo,

V

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Songs:
"Falling" Florence And The Machine
"Hometown Glory" Adele

...but Romeo & Juliet DIED in the end!

Dreary Day Thoughts on Fate, Destiny, and the Devastating Power of Love:

When the weather is icky and there's nothing to do, it leaves a lot of time for introspection...and wine. So, of course, I've been psycho-analyzing and over-analyzing my current dating dilemma. I've had several late-night roomie therapy sessions with Jill lately, and recently, we got to talking about signs.

Remember J, my "vintage guy?" We've been spending a lot of time together, and while I truly enjoy his company and learning more about him, I am at a loss of what to do. It's all so very confusing. We've had a very eventful, complicated history that has lasted over a decade. J knows me, and likes me anyways. He knows when I'm faking a smile and when I'm acting angry because I'm really hurt, and he doesn't hesitate to call me out for doing either one. Most of all, J knows, too well, that when things start to get serious between he & I, I bolt. And usually I bolt straight into the arms of someone or something that is terrible for me.

So, here's the deal; I'm not bolting. This little relationshippy friendship project of mine has the potential to devastate me -I can feel it. I'm invested, and not just for history's sake. I'm really diggin' this guy with the ocean-blue eyes. He's got me hooked, and not for the usual reasons. Usually, I pick guys with problems. Nothing super serious like substance abuse or sociopathic tendencies, but I oftentimes find myself sticking with someone because the pros technically outweigh the cons and well, I love a good people-puzzle.

Not this time. I, very genuinely, want and accept this man for exactly who he is, right now. Flaws and all. Weird, huh? My first thought? This can not end well for me...prepare yourself, my heart. Putting the typical, Vanessa, "doom and gloom" mentality for happiness aside for a moment, this whatevership also has the potential to be something good, something real. Let me just tell you, dear readers, I would give anything for something real. I feel like I've gone through a good portion of my life, faking. I've faked smiles, relationships, friendships, kisses...and well, let's just say I'm a pretty good actress when it comes to certain things. It used to bother me immensely that this man can call my bluff, but now, I'm so grateful for it.

At times, I find myself being so open, honest, and venerable with him, it terrifies me and leaves me teary-eyed and shaking. I only wish I was being over-dramatic when I say this, but he, quite literally, makes me weak in the knees. Gross. I'll pause a moment for those of you with sensitive gag reflexes, I apologize. I'll ramble about something else now.

Back to the signs, do you believe in them? Coincidence or fate? I know the spirit likes to speak to us with a still, small voice...but every now and then, don't you long for the Old Testament, booming voice of God? It'd be nice if He would send a dove or a pillar of fire or something, because I sure could use a sign right about now. Despite my best efforts, this man seems to keep finding his way back into my life, and I seem to continuously stumble, trip, or fall back into his.

So, what gives? Is the universe, or rather, the Creator of the universe, trying to tell me something? Have I really been spending all these years complaining about how I long for a true friend, and a true love, all the while overlooking the fact that this person was the same person I was complaining to? If so, why does something disastrous usually happen to prevent us from actually being together? Which is it, star-crossed or pre-destined?

I haven't a clue. But with each kiss, each conversation, each time he takes my hand or touches my face and smiles, I think I'm getting a little closer to figuring it out.

"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,

May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."

Romeo & Juliet: Act II Scene 2

-William Shakespeare

-V

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Songs:

"Just the Way You Are" Billy Joel

"I'll Follow You Into The Dark" Death Cab for Cutie

"Glycerine" Bush

This I Believe

For my Composition class, I was asked to read articles from the National Public Radio's recurring segment, This I Believe. 'This I Believe' is based on a 1950's radio program which gave celebrities and average joes alike, the opportunity to share their opinions and life experiences. I poured over essays written by Helen Keller, Eleanor Roosevelt, Harry Truman, and many others. Then, I came across a sentiment which struck a chord with me;

"I believe in the human race. I believe in the warm heart. I believe in man’s integrity. I believe in the goodness of a free society. And I believe that the society can remain good only as long as we are willing to fight for it—and to fight against whatever imperfections may exist."

-Jackie Robinson

from his essay,

"Free Minds and Hearts at Work"

These powerful words got me thinking; What do I believe? I believe in God, yes, but not everyone can relate to faith in a Christian God. Everyone has their own interpretation of what 'faith' means to them. Certainly though, there is a belief or idea that is universal, something we can all share, regardless of denomination, race or gender. I mulled the idea over in my head and, as I usually do to pass the time, I opened my playlist and pressed shuffle. Then it hit me. I'd like to say I had an epiphany, but it was more of a 'duh' than an 'Aha' moment.

I believe in Music.

I believe in the power of music to heal. I have witnessed firsthand the ability of an instrument or song to give meaning to a feeling or situation, when spoken word can not. When I was going to college in Texas, I worked with a six year old boy, Malik, who was autistic. It was a daily struggle to get him to make eye contact, speak, or connect with me, and also with his fellow classmates. Malik would throw tantrums and scream for hours on end, simply because he was trying desperately to communicate to me what he needed or wanted or felt, but his efforts were lost in translation. When his frustration would give way to physical fits of throwing things and hitting me, I would have to restrain him to keep him from hurting himself or others.

On one particular day, his tantrum had lasted well over the hour mark and I was becoming exhausted, I was almost in tears and had nearly run out of ideas of how to calm him. To this day, I don't know where the idea came from but I started humming 'Amazing Grace'. He immediately quieted. It was then I realized the power of music to bring people together. Although I couldn't understand what he was trying to tell me, and he couldn't understand that I was just trying to calm him, we both understood music. We both knew the comfort of the familiar tune, and each of us had positive memories tied to it.

I believe that the people of this earth are more alike than we are different. Listen, I'm not saying that music is the healing force that will end the wars and bring about peace on earth. I'm not saying that all differences are resolvable and if we just hold hands and sway, singing together in four-part harmonies, there would be no conflict. I simply believe that if we all focus on the simple things in life that bind us together, the shared experiences, it would be a lot easier to relate to one another. Instead of focusing on the differences which may frighten or concern us, I believe we should fix our gaze on the similarities all tenants of our planet share.

-V.O'Neel

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Songs:

"Over the Rainbow" Iz Kamakawiwo'ole

"I Believe" Blessid Union of Souls

photo credit: www.greenoptions.com

It's all in the game

So my beloved Nebraska Cornhuskers lost today with a heart-breaking turnover in in the final minutes of the 4th quarter. We had been leading for the entire 2nd half, 12-10, then 15-10. It doesn't sound like we were doing well, but we really were! Defense was looking good, 2 of our players broke University and personal best records, it was a good game and we thought we had 'em. And then out of nowhere, in one play, we hesitated, got confident, and that darn Hokie offense snuck a TD. Game over. We lost by 1. ONE!!!

Okay, cheesy part where I relate a life to a football game: (You KNEW it was coming!)

Lately I find myself battling the same situation; I think I have my life under control and I can relax for a little while and just coast, the universe throws a wrench into the gears of my perfectly functioning life. Whether its a chance bout with the dreaded death-flu, or an equally infuriating flat tire, life sure has a way of messing with me. Some things are preventable, to a certain extent. I can wash my hands obsessively and shun my sneezing co-workers, but eventually I'm going to catch a cold. I can check the pressure on my tires and drive carefully, but I can't stop the parking lot of the Sonic Drive-Thru from having a jagged, tire-eating crack on my way to work. All for the sake of a diet Coke with lemon.

I have decided to accept these inevitable small losses as a part of life, but in no way does that mean I am admitting defeat. Certain weeks may get the best of me, I will fall to my opponent every now and then, but there are still plenty of games left in the season, and I'm ready to play. As long as I am able to shake off the day at the end of it, and keep my goals in mind, I know I will be successful in my endeavors.

Go Team!

-V.O'Neel
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Photograph edited using www.picnik.com by the author of this blog (that's me).
=)

Songs:
"It's all in the game" Johnny Mathis
"That's just the way it is" Tupac