Monday, September 28, 2009

my heart is spoken for.

(A reminder)

I have been such a fool. I have worried, stressed, cried, and broken down more in the last few years than I have in my entire 22 years of existence put together. Why? Because of a relationship, which I allowed to consume me. I have always been extremely compassionate and am no stranger to love; I love my friends with everything I have. But this was different. This man walked through my door, introduced himself, and I was smitten by a pair deep brown eyes. Plus, he was tall, dark, and handsome and smelled nice, but I digress.

Relationships have a funny way of changing the way you view absolutely everything, don't they? Over the past few years I have fluctuated between feeling more confident and happy than ever before, and hitting the lowest of my lows with astounding speed. I am not saying this is healthy by any means, but that's just the way it's been. So this time, I'm fairly certain that the cycle of insanity is over once and for all. What I'm not sure certain about, is why exactly I have been so distressed over the whole thing. I think I lost myself in the we're-in-love-and-we-like-to-kiss-a-lot-and-stuff thing, and threw out some very valuable pieces of information.

First, not everything is going to make sense. One of my biggest issues over the past year has been confusion. The "whys". Why does he mean so much to me? There is a lot of humanity on this earth, and I chose him. Why doesn't he tell me how he feels until it's too late? Why didn't it work? Why do we always find our way back to one another? Why can't we just be friends? Why is it that when I am completely content with things, some mystical force come in and messes with everything? Why, why, why, it's enough already. I am never going to be able to comprehend all the reasons for why things happened the way they did, all that matters is that they did.

More importantly, this heart was never mine to give. My faith used to sustain me. As of late, it has mostly served as a mechanism of guilt, a slap on the wrist of my past. Plenty of time has passed, and I am still terrified of moving on. Afraid of giving my heart to the wrong person, petrified of having it broken again. I have been putting my heart in the hands of a man, and then am somehow surprised when he lets me down? How many Sunday School bible verses could I quote about that? I should have known better, and I do know better. My faith needs to be in my God first, my heart should be in His hands. He will never break my heart, He will never fail me. I will fail, and I will stumble and fall, but it's okay because, He's got me.

This is not a declaration of how horrible my ex is. He's flawed; human. He's also wonderfully gifted and at times, has made me happier than I thought possible. This is not a declaration of defeat; I am not giving up on finding my somebody in this life. What I am giving up, is the worry. I'm taking my burdens and sending them up to someone stronger and more capable than I. And as I draw closer to my God, I know I will be healed. The hurt I have carried for so long, the blame I have accepted, the failures looming over my head, will all be washed away. I am so blessed. I don't have to worry about finding a "soul mate", I don't have to worry at all. I can rest assured that my heart has found its home. Sometimes, I need to remember just how much I am loved.

"Spoken For" MercyMe
"Fix You" Coldplay
"Hold Me Now" Kirk Franklin


AnotherGuy said...

I am right there with you. The times that I have spent 'falling in love' with a girl, only to find out that my heart was in the wrong place, have taught me a valuable lesson. I always thought that God would bring someone to me right now and we would grow together.

Sometimes, though, God wants to mold us first and help us become more mature adult Christians. If I were to meet my 'soul mate' now, but I'm still not in the place God wants me to be, then it just won't work out the way He has planned.

And so I'm waiting, just lik you, for God to lead me out of my youthful immaturity and into the man that He wants me to be. And when I get there, I'll wait even longer for God to mold my future spouse into the woman He wants her to be. That way, when we get together, we don't have to "complete each other", we can simply become the one flesh that He so obviously desired for humanity from the beginning.

I met a couple recently that told me how awesome God has been through their entire relationship, and it's interesting to me. The biggest thing that they said to me before the night was over - 'Divorce is never an option. How can we say that God put us together today and thencall it quits the next? That's just like saying God is a liar."

Now obviously, I've not been in your exact shoes. But I've found that when I'm in a relationship and we start fighting a lot and hurting each other (emotionally and spiritually) then one or both of us is out of line with God's will. It may be that God's will was for us to not be together from the start, that He has more perfect spouses picked out, but that always gets made pretty obvious by the end.

Sorry for the book. You just said something that touched something in me... and I love that song too. :)

vanessasings said...

Wow. Don't EVER apologize to me for sharing. That's what this whole blogging thing is about, right? =) At this age, it's easy to mix up your priorities. I know what it's like to have to constantly keep myself in check. Thank you very much for your comment.

Tara said...

It sounds like you have the right attitude. I think it's so easy to get away from focusing on what God wants for our life (always but probably especially at our age and especially when it comes to relationships) and focus on what we want for our lives. But God knows best, we don't. I saw this on a church sign one day "If God is all you have, God is all you need."

Wonderful said...

I find that God is always here, even if we don't acknowledge him, but the best is when we are free of our sorrow. For awhile I didn't move on from a past boy, because I didn't want to. I thought we were going to get married, not that we ever got that serious. But i was serious about him. But eventually I did move on, and I can say I definitely feel more alive than I did when I was with him, which is a great thing.

floreta said...

this is really encouraging. 'god' to me means inner strength, passion, and the spiritual.. a kindof revitalization. right now, i'm trying to focus more on myself and humanity than trying to find someone specifically. it will come in time.

Carissajaded said...

what a nice attitude you have! I've been having kind of a bad week, and it was nice reading something written straight from the heart!

greekphysique said...

Beautiful. :-)

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