Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Nostalgia

I was going through some old things today, when I found my red notebook. It's just this random, cheap, spiral notebook which traveled with me all throughout my three years in Texas. On the front cover is my favorite e.e. cummings poem "i carry your heart", and the inside contains grocery lists, a few journal entries, and some lyrics and poetry haphazardly scrawled in margins and sideways on pages with doodles surrounding. I kept a journal separate from this one, but for some reason or another I always had it laying around. The first page was written in December of 2005, and it's just two pages of me complaining that it's hard living in a new state and all my friends from high school are growing up and moving on with "boyfriends, and stuff". Later, in May 2007, there's an entry describing how I don't think my boyfriend "likes" me anymore and how afraid I am that I've fallen completely. My how things can change from year to year.

As I read through the amateur poems that follow, it brings tears to my eyes. Not because I miss my old boyfriend, which I am certain a part of me always will, but because it gives me hope. I believe that a broken heart will heal stronger than it was before. And statistically speaking, persons who have found love once are far more likely to love again than those who have never taken the chance. I know there will always be a place for this man in my heart, for he has meant more to me than I ever imagined one person could. I do know, however, that I have plenty of time ahead of me; time to learn and time to find love. I have labelled myself in the past as a hopefull romantic, so in the spirit of both sentimentality and hope for the future, I would like to share one of these re-discovered poems.

My Perfect Mess (circa May 2007)

a sweet contradiction
of joy and sorrow
pain and pleasure
the answer i seek
evades me
close enough to touch
but always just out of reach
i've fallen without falling
i don't know how i got here
but i never want to leave.

-V.O'Neel age 19 almost 20 =)
-----------------------------------------
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
not fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings
-----------------------------------------------------
Mine kind of pales in comparison, huh? =)
-V.O'Neel age 22 (almost 22 & a half!)

Songs:
"Comfortable" John Mayer
"Crazy" Seal

3 comments:

Valérie said...

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N J said...

I like the way you write. Nostalgia is something I write about as well. Cheers! Following you.

mylittlebecky said...

i love! e.e. cummings!

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