Monday, February 14, 2011

"Love is the only gold."

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

Happy Valentines day to all the hopeFULL romantics out there.

Good love is definitely worth the wait.

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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Not feelin' the love

Fair warning: I feel a rant coming on.

** should maybe skip this post...luv ya!**

Did you know there's this upcoming holiday called Valentine's day? It's a strange day where we gage our affection for one another based on how much stuff we give and receive; expensive dinners, jewelry, chocolates, flowers, the list goes on! Listen, I have a boyfriend whom I love and, in my opinion, an awesome present in mind for him for this year...I'm just worn out already!

I'm just gonna lay it out there; I like stuff. I like things that are shiny and sweet and expensive. What I don't like is being made to feel like a superficial soulless creature for liking the stuff! I also like intimate dinners at home, supermarket flowers, and handwritten love notes in lieu of expensive nights out. The old cliche is true on this one; it really is the thought that counts! The reason why the stereotypical Valentine's day stuff is meaningful is because it is given to you by someone who loves you enough to make the mundane classics seem new and as if the holiday was meant for only the two of you.

...but that's just my opinion.

I am admittedly over stressed right now and most likely somewhere on the bordering-on-a-nervous-breakdown spectrum. Wow. That's not dramatic at all. Listen, for the most part, my life is golden. I have all of my basic needs covered and I am loved and well cared for. I have a tendency to personalize the stress of others and I almost always take work home with me; when you work with children, it's hard not to.

I can tell Joshua is having a hard time right now. There is a lot of pressure placed on his shoulders around the holidays because he is unsure of how to to express his feelings to me in a way that won't disappoint. What he doesn't understand, even after several frustrating conversations, is that nothing he can ever do will be a disappointment to me if I am secure in his love for me. That's the key.

Right now, I'm in a place of knowing but not feeling. It sounds so corny and straight out of an NBC (boo) soap but I really don't know how else to word it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my man loves me. A lot. He loves me more than anyone else he has ever loved before. Trust me, I'm not that cool...he just thinks I am. Isn't that how it should be? The problem as of late is that I'm not really feelin' the love. The translation from head to heart just isn't happening lately, and I'm not sure who/what to blame. Work, health drama, $$$ (or lack thereof), car troubles, Josh, myself, or a poorly timed combination of all the above.

At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter who or what is to blame. I have a feeling that the dreaded V day will come and go and my relationship will remain intact. Things have a way of working out for us, despite my unnecessary thoughts of doom & gloom. I need to do my best to stay positive and focus on the things I can control, like my actions and the love I show to those around me. I need to *kindly* explain what I'm thinking and wanting, instead of expecting my sweet bf to be magically transformed into a freakin' mind reader. My bad.

Babe, if you're still reading this (even though I told you not to), I'm sorry. I love you. Pay no attention to the crazy lady with the computer.

I'll leave you with an only slightly sarcastic,



"I need a lover" John Mellencamp
"I'd rather be with you" Joshua Radin

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Affirmation: Forget Fear

It is so good to have a God like mine. When my restless spirit keeps me from sleep, He has given his Word to calm me. I needed this verse tonight. The death of this world holds no threat for me; heaven is my home & not here. I can sleep soundly knowing that I am well cared for and loved beyond measure. I am so richly blessed.

"For GOD HAS not given us THE spirit of fear; but of POWER, and of love, and of a sound mind."
-2 Timothy 1:7



Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Mantra of the month: Don't be Eeyore.

So, its been over a month since my last entry. Shame on me. Bad blogger. I have noticed that I am a much more prolific writer about matters of the heart than every day life. I certainly feel much more drawn to the keyboard when I've got something to complain or cry about than when life is good. How obnoxious is that?

This post will be a literary purge of sorts for me, then. For those of you who politely subscribe but don't truly care about all of the minutiae of my life, I'll summarize;

-Happy Birthday, Jesus
-New Year's SUCKED
-2011 is here and now I've got some work to do.

Christmas with the family was great. I love love love my Keurig coffee maker, thoughtfully given to me by my momma (no advertisement implied, I just really like that I can make my coffee one cup at a time rather than wasting an entire pot....but I digress). I received some snuggly pink amazingness from the bf in the form of fuzzy socks (fave!), fluffy robe (love!) and a giftcard to replenish my depleted underwear drawer (helpful safety tip; puppies love underwear...and they will find it no matter what it takes!).

Quite awhile ago I decided that I wanted to gift Joshua with a leather bible this year for Christmas. My mother gave my father his bible on their first Christmas as a couple and I thought it would be a meaningful tradition to continue. At the time, Josh had been using a bible handed down to him by a friend and although the physical appearance of the Word certainly doesn't matter as much as the truth inside, I thought it would be nice for him to carry a bible with his own name on the cover. =)

More than anything, I long for the Bible to be the foundation of my relationship. I want to grow in knowledge and in faith together because I believe it will only draw us closer to one another. Although we met at the same church, Josh and I differ, more than slightly, in our opinions of fellowship and in our knowledge of scripture. I do believe that we are after the same thing, and we can absolutely meet in the middle as long as we are both willing to hold each other accountable.

Fast forward a week and some change to NYE and I am miserably sick. As in, leaving work early and crying to my mom on the phone like a child because I have a 103 degree fever and can barely stay conscious. I rang in the new year with the chills, handfuls of painkillers, a sip at a time of gatorade, and the most caring man I've ever met in my life literally by my bedside. So, that's that.

Welcomed properly or no, the new year is here. I would like 2011 to be a year of change for me. I don't know if it's this below freezing weather (global warming, where are you??) or what, but I find myself growing tired of not-so-small town life here in Nebraska. While I've never been near a farm in my life, I do tire of running into people who have known me since forever and have already formed their opinions of me based on high school labels.

If I'm honest, I don't feel that I am living up to the expectations ascribed to me 5 years ago. Cheerleader. Performer. Honors Student. Scholarship Winner. I'm not sure exactly where I pictured myself half a decade out of high school, but I'm certain it's not here; still an undergrad with a full time job, car on the verge of expiring, and Lord, quite a few extra pounds on my waistline.

Ah! Here I go again, complain, complain, complain. I'm constantly reminding Joshua and MYSELF to not be Eeyore. The sun could be shining and I could still make you a list of the reasons why the rain is on it's way. Silly! Instead of listing the things about my life I would love to change, I want to CHANGE them. Starting now. 50 situps....aaaaand.....go!

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