Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Behold! The healing power of Date Night.

The [AMAZING] boyfriend took me to dinner at JTK in the Haymarket this past weekend. Fabulous idea, if I do say so myself! We ate, we drank, we laughed, we made out like teenagers. Good times had by all. Afterwards, we took a little stroll to The Mill and Josh sipped his classic coffee while I enjoyed a perfectly frothy latte. So far, I'm a big fan of getting back to the basics.

Evidence of happiness is as follows:

Photos: Some straight off the camera phone, others edited on Picnik. I'm sure you can tell the difference ;-)

"Anything but Mine" Kenny Chesney
"Let it be Me" Ray LaMontagne

Monday, August 30, 2010

Back to Basics

Joshua and I have decided to start dating, which makes sense...because we're dating. Confused? Let me explain.

Now is a time of my life for assessment. Since I am clearly going to be in school until I DIE, I'm letting that one go for now. I'll just perpetually enroll in classes until they give me a diploma because they're sick of my face. Work is slowly sucking the life out of me as well, but for good reasons. This whole having two jobs, no day off and a microscopic social life thing is exhausting, but I know it will pay off in the long run.

This is the time of my life to work too hard, save as much as possible and prepare for the future. I'm getting Kindermusik at the Daycare center, which is amazing! I truly feel that God answers prayers in the most unexpected ways. I get to spend all day every day doing what I love to do and getting paid for it. Working with children is the most rewarding thing I have ever experienced, and has always been my calling. I don't know why I ever left the business...but it's so good to be back!

Due to the conflicts and conversations Josh & I have been having lately, we have decided to get back to basics. Because we have history, it was easy to fall fast. We quickly skipped past courtship and dove headfirst into the 'comfort zone' that comes with a long term relationship. The problem is, this isn't really all that long term at this point. Depending on which of us you ask, we've been together for 6-8 months. I don't place too much value on the actual date we started dating, because I have an inkling I could spend a big chunk of my life with this man and when you're thinking in terms of forever, who needs to count?

Getting back to my point...back to basics. We're making a conscious effort to get out more. We've slipped into a pattern of work, school/more work, meet at my place, play with the puppy, eat (whatever I'm cooking/ordering for) dinner, smooch, sleep, repeat. Although we don't actually cohabitate, we are in essence, living together. Not really having meaningful conversations, not doing anything in terms of quality time; just going through life, but at least we're doing it together. It's given us a pseudo-sense of closeness but when conflicts arise, I realize I don't know this man as well as I thought.

The solution? Date Night. It gives both of us a break from the chaos of the week, plus it reminds Joshua that I actually do own clothing other than uniforms and pajamas. I'm excited for this new, old-school chapter of our relationship...I think good things are on the way!

As always, I am ever reminded of the blessings I encounter daily. Thank you Lord for all you have given me, let me never take your generosity for granted!

If I could, I urge you to count your blessings this morning & have a great Monday!

"Fallin' for You" Colbie Callait
"Mine" Taylor Swift
"Hands Down" Dashboard Confessional (acoustic version)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Identity Crisis

Isn't it funny how relationships change everything? You take on the interests, stresses, and schedule of one another without necessarily meaning to. Even your vocabulary changes. 'I' becomes 'we', 'mine' becomes 'our' and seemingly overnight, I've lost my 'me' to an 'us'.

Recently, I've been feeling a little lost within this world of plurals, I'm missing the simplicity of single life. I've been trying to take a step back to collect my thoughts and move forward, but my step has been misinterpreted as a push. He thinks I'm keeping him at arms' length, but all I'm trying to keep is my head above water.

Staying sane is priority number one right now. That, and getting some sunlight or spray tan in my life ASAP. I'm albino-ing out over here, but I digress. Lately, the bf and I have been having some very marriage-y conversations. I guess because we are both employed and he's graduating in September(!), that means we should exchange rings and start procreating. (We're having a girl first, we already decided.) Ummm....no.

There are so many things I need to DO with my life before all of that. I know that he loves me- I am more convinced of this than I am that the world is turning. I'm just not entirely sold on thinking that he likes me. I think I annoy him, and that's no good. Bickering old married couples only work on sit-coms, not in real life.

I feel myself having to pry into his head to discern how he's really feeling. Then, I sit around and obsess and analyze until I can't even remember what I was thinking about in the first place. Sounds exceedingly healthy, no? All the thinking in the world is meaningless however, because if I ever get to the point where I convince myself that maybe he and I are not meant to be, I get an instantaneous lightening bolt to the chest to remind me that I love him in a way I've never felt before. My brain and my heart are bitter enemies.

Listen, folks; I can't complain. I have never been treated better in my entire life. No one has ever shown me more compassion and love in my twenty three years of living. All of this was true years before we even started dating, back when he was the guy I would call to pick up the pieces when I had had a fight/breakup/reunion with my ex or when I was lost/stranded/lonely/bored/crying/out of people to call. He has been both the champion and the wrecker of my heart, and though there have been times of hurt feelings and a touch of betrayal; I don't think I will ever again find a love like this.

Tomorrow night is supposed to be our date night, although up until now, I would've have bet it would end in a circular conversation about everything that's broken between us. I'm deciding against it. Tomorrow, I'm going to curl my hair, put on a dress he's never seen me in before and meet him at the door with a smile. "It's just growing pains", I'll say. I'll mean it. I think it's past time I put a little faith in the man who seems to have endless faith in me.

I want my relationship back and I want my identity back. I want to feel confident that I am deserving of the love I am shown, and I want Josh to be certain that I'm determined to see this thing through to the finish. I'm not naive enough to think nothing will break us; the truth is, I have no idea if I will see him smiling up at me from the alter someday, or not. But the option is there, and the chances are good.

"Do You Know Me At All" John Mayer

Monday, August 16, 2010

Sometimes I'd like to fall asleep for a month or two... or ten.

...but this man, he holds my heart in his strong hands.
He has given back my smile.
He wipes black tears from my eyes and kisses my forehead.
He says I'm stronger, better, for it all.
He carries me,
and the more I lean, the more I learn,
I can stand on my own.*

He's my little bit of You in this world,
always lifting my chin up, to see Your face.
He points me to You when I'm lost in chaos at my own hand.
He whispers blessings in my ear,
I can hear Your heart in the words of his prayer.

What right have I to give anything but gratitude?
Yet, my lips form only apologies.
Faith with no foundation is ignorance,
but knowledge without practice is fruitless.
The wisdom in my head is proving to be useless.
Let my roots grow deep.

Help me to see the path that you intend for me,
and to walk it with faith and trust,
forgetting selfish fear and doubt.
Please lift this cloud of regret from my mind,
I've tried to clear it on my own, without success.
It overtakes me and I am not myself.
Set me free from the lingerings of my past.
Wash me clean.

*First stanza from previous post.
Read full post: "Better"

"Lead me" Sanctus Real

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Loose Lips Sink Ships


Things I would never say out loud but for some reason feel the need to send out into cyberspace:

-I miss being single. I LOVE my boyfriend. He is my forever friend and I can't imagine my life without him, but I miss going out with my girls, flirting shamelessly, not having to pay for drinks, and sleeping diagonally across my bed. I was starting to be comfortable alone. I like being able to feel in control and not dependent upon a man for the safety of my heart.

-My relationship is getting serious and I am freaking out. He thinks I'm a flight risk, but the truth is, I'm just scared of failing. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

-I still think about my ex. I worry how he's doing, if he's happy, how his family is doing, if his mother is back to where she was before the accident, if he thinks of me...

I miss my best friend, my partner in crime. I used to think nothing would ever tear us apart. I didn't take into account that drifting apart would hurt just as much. We are strangers to each other now. I'm so glad she has grown up and found love but sometimes, I long for the days of punk rock, cars with no air-conditioning, way too many calories, and fits of laughter for no reason.

-My health is starting to genuinely scare me. I play it off like it's no big deal, but I don't like that my headaches are getting worse and no one can tell me why. I think the neurologist was disappointed that they didn't find a tumor on my MRI, and that kind of freaks me out. I've had perfect vision my entire life and right now, the black writing on my screen is blurring. Contrast is not my friend.

-Biological clocks are no joke. My get-married-now-and-make-babies complex is setting in hardcore. I'm trying desperately to stay grounded and make decisions that I will be happy with in the long run. Being with someone like Josh doesn't make this any easier. I'm fairly certain he will always give me what I want because he wants me to be happy, even if it's not what he wants.

-Being in school is getting tiresome. Sometimes, I wish I could live on Wisteria Lane and cook and clean and raise children all while maintaining a perfect figure. Desperate Housewives is a ridiculous television program, but I wish it was my life. (see above)

"Secret" The Pierces
"Airplanes" B.O.B. featuring Hayley Williams
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