Saturday, May 8, 2010


Dear Airman,

I read your words with tears in my eyes.

3 days.

I don't know how to feel; am I supposed to be happy? I am proud of you for starting your journey, but I keep waiting for that exhale of relief to let me know it's over for me. No longer will our paths cross. You have yours, and I, mine.

I should be glad. You have someone else, and so do I, and he's better than you. We're better off, you and I. In our hearts we always knew it would turn out this way, didn't we? You didn't think you ever could...and I knew you would, just not with me. You thought you were irrevocably broken, and I knew you weren't. Some hearts aren't fixable, but yours was, once the ice melted. I like being right but this time, the satisfaction is missing. I don't like it. Not at all.

Sometimes, I think I wasted the best of me on you. Sometimes, I don't. Sometimes, I think the best is ahead of me; that I will be rewarded for my patience, for my pain. Sometimes, I think it was all meaningless, unnecessary drama that played itself out for far too long. Some nights, I think I will love you until the day I die, some days, I think I never did.

I should want you far away, shouldn't I? Unable to reach me and send me crashing down again. You always knew how to stop my world from turning, and make me lose my footing and forget myself. But then again, you also knew how to kiss me, and stop my heart for a moment, keep my feet from touching ground and forget to breathe. Crash, Burn, Kiss, Cry, Repeat.

So am I glad? Proud? Sad? Bitter? No. I don't know how I feel, and yet the tears come. I've cried oceans over you.

My head screams. Love me! Accept me! Want me! Please don't leave yet, I don't know how I feel. I'm desperate, in need of something... Retribution? Revenge? Forgiveness?

Forgiveness. I've failed. Took on your troubles when I should have pointed you to God. Made myself your savior, and you, I made you my idol. Cast my heart into your hands, whether you liked it or not. Time made fools of us all.

Do you remember the time...
There was a pink light casting rosy shadows across your face.
One in your ear one in mine, and we listened.
-You and I will meet again-
All I remember are kisses and tears, and an inside joke I'll never forget.

Being happy hurts, sometimes. Like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will he turn into you; is it just a matter of time? If I let him lift me up so high, does that just mean I have farther to fall? It keeps me up at night.

I know there was truth in us, I know my motives were pure. In my heart, I know I always did everything I could do, and too much at that. But if the end result is this; this ache in my chest, this empty burn...I don't want it anymore.

If life makes strangers turned lovers into best friends and then to strangers again, then we're all better off alone.

There is something wrong with me, I think. I guess I can't let go- of love, of hurt, of shame, of fear. I carry it all, and the weight is getting too heavy.

But this man, he holds my heart in his strong hands. He has given back my smile. He wipes black tears from my eyes and kisses my forehead. He says I'm stronger, better, for it all. He carries me, and the more I lean, the more I learn, I can stand on my own.

So, go now, love. Make your mark on this world. Keep your fire, your determination to prove them all wrong, to make your father proud. You are your brothers' hero, make sure your actions follow accordingly. Prayer will keep you grounded, so pray. Be thankful for the friendships you've had, although some will fall away. The ones who matter will still be there. Kiss your girl, but not too hard, for it's the tender ones you'll remember when you need them most. Let her give you strength, and don't hold back for fear that she may fail. You deserve the world, so take it. Be prepared. Amazing things are headed your way.

If I could ask one thing of you, think of me fondly, if you think of me at all. Remember how I loved you, and know that I always will. We were broken, you and I, but now at last it seems, we're better.


"The Call" Regina Spektor
"Into the West" Annie Lennox

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