life is good today.

Today was a really good day.

It's kind of a big deal.

I have no idea why, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like myself. My head is clear, I can breathe. Nothing hurts. I smile for no reason, I laugh because I can. Instead of walking across the room, I choose to dance. I'm alone without feeling lonely. I feel comfort, safety, peace. I feel hopeful and worry-free. I am surrounded by light. My complexion is brighter. Life has returned to my eyes-I can feel it. My heart is full, my shoulders; empty. The weight has been lifted, and there is a sense of freedom in my soul like I haven't felt in ages.

-V. O'Neel

---------------------------

Author's Note: I finished writing this [very short] entry, and I was disappointed to realize I was already thinking; so how long until something ruins it... Bad! I immediately dismissed this thought as rubbish. I have decided that this is going to be my new normal. No reason for me to continue to live my life bogged down by my past and all of its burdens.

Songs:

"Love Today" Mika

"La la la" LMFAO (can you believe they named their band that?)

"Feeling Good" Muse

"Something's Coming" Westside Story [love]

my heart is spoken for.

(A reminder)

I have been such a fool. I have worried, stressed, cried, and broken down more in the last few years than I have in my entire 22 years of existence put together. Why? Because of a relationship, which I allowed to consume me. I have always been extremely compassionate and am no stranger to love; I love my friends with everything I have. But this was different. This man walked through my door, introduced himself, and I was smitten by a pair deep brown eyes. Plus, he was tall, dark, and handsome and smelled nice, but I digress.

Relationships have a funny way of changing the way you view absolutely everything, don't they? Over the past few years I have fluctuated between feeling more confident and happy than ever before, and hitting the lowest of my lows with astounding speed. I am not saying this is healthy by any means, but that's just the way it's been. So this time, I'm fairly certain that the cycle of insanity is over once and for all. What I'm not sure certain about, is why exactly I have been so distressed over the whole thing. I think I lost myself in the we're-in-love-and-we-like-to-kiss-a-lot-and-stuff thing, and threw out some very valuable pieces of information.

First, not everything is going to make sense. One of my biggest issues over the past year has been confusion. The "whys". Why does he mean so much to me? There is a lot of humanity on this earth, and I chose him. Why doesn't he tell me how he feels until it's too late? Why didn't it work? Why do we always find our way back to one another? Why can't we just be friends? Why is it that when I am completely content with things, some mystical force come in and messes with everything? Why, why, why, it's enough already. I am never going to be able to comprehend all the reasons for why things happened the way they did, all that matters is that they did.

More importantly, this heart was never mine to give. My faith used to sustain me. As of late, it has mostly served as a mechanism of guilt, a slap on the wrist of my past. Plenty of time has passed, and I am still terrified of moving on. Afraid of giving my heart to the wrong person, petrified of having it broken again. I have been putting my heart in the hands of a man, and then am somehow surprised when he lets me down? How many Sunday School bible verses could I quote about that? I should have known better, and I do know better. My faith needs to be in my God first, my heart should be in His hands. He will never break my heart, He will never fail me. I will fail, and I will stumble and fall, but it's okay because, He's got me.

This is not a declaration of how horrible my ex is. He's flawed; human. He's also wonderfully gifted and at times, has made me happier than I thought possible. This is not a declaration of defeat; I am not giving up on finding my somebody in this life. What I am giving up, is the worry. I'm taking my burdens and sending them up to someone stronger and more capable than I. And as I draw closer to my God, I know I will be healed. The hurt I have carried for so long, the blame I have accepted, the failures looming over my head, will all be washed away. I am so blessed. I don't have to worry about finding a "soul mate", I don't have to worry at all. I can rest assured that my heart has found its home. Sometimes, I need to remember just how much I am loved.

-V.O'Neel
--------------------------------------
Songs:
"Spoken For" MercyMe
"Fix You" Coldplay
"Hold Me Now" Kirk Franklin

Never WILL I ever...

List 50 things you will NEVER do
via http://www.creativewritingprompts.com/

1. skydive.
2. swim with sharks. (or skydive into a tank of sharks, for that matter.)
3. pierce my eyebrow.
4. get a tattoo of a rose.
5. buy a Ford Taurus.
6. own any kind of lizzard.
7. pose for Playboy.
8. wear lipliner.
9. have to go to rehab.
10. drink cheap Tequila ever again.
11. be a Metal fan. Just can't get into it.
12. Watch an entire episode of Lost without getting frustrated and turning the channel.
13. forget that kiss on the side of the road in the pouring rain.
14. become a famous trapeze artist.
15. use a racial slur, even in jest.
16. stop wondering...
17. forget where I was on September 11, 2001.
18. closely follow golf, baseball, or tennis.
19. be a size 0.
20. have elective surgery.
21. forget how blessed I am.
22. give up on my best friend,
23. or on being a good friend.
24. work fast food ever again.
25. forget my little autistic friend and how he changed my life.
26. turn my back on my faith or my God.
27. burn the American flag.
28. watch Steel Magnolias without crying.
29. understand racism, bigotry, or hate.
30. marry for money.
31. be a smoker (of anything, really.)
32. follow my head without first consulting my heart,
33. and vice versa.
34. get into a fist fight.
35. see Michael Jackson in concert. =(
36. quit something because I'm afraid.
37. stick with something because I'm afraid of quitting.
38. let fear control my life again.
39. let any one person control my life.
40. watch Remember the Titans without thinking of him.
41. look at my high school cheerleading outfits in the same way.
42. listen to Seal's greatest hits without a smile on my lips.
43. be a beer drinker.
44. watch the Hannah Montana movie.
45. read the Harry Potter series. (I tried, I failed, I gave up.)
46. have to give a speech starting with, "I'd like to thank the Academy...".
47. give up on the people I love.
48. give up on myself.
49. stop learning.
50. stop dreaming.

-V. O'Neel
-----------------------------------------
Well, THAT was ridiculously difficult.

Songs:
"Some Things Don't Work Out Like They Should" Joe Purdy
"Wash Away" Joe Purdy
"Time is Running Out" Muse

insomnia

It's always the same.

There is a time of night when sleep should come,
but doesn't.
My eyes ache, but refuse to close.
My body is weary,
my soul, restless.

As dawn breaks through the curtained window,
my body gives in to nature.
My eyes slowly and reluctantly close,
and I am in my nightmare.

I stand in the open air,
wind whipping around my body.
My face stings as strands of my tangled hair
blow and come crashing into me.

Steady tears spill like raindrops
down my windblown face, but
I am silent.
I want to call out to you,
to scream, but my no sound finds me.
My efforts are lost in the swirling storm.

Moments pass and I realize
my arms are outstretched,
reaching.
I strain to see what it is that they want,
but there is nothing.

I try to move but I am frozen,
trapped.
Panic sets in and I struggle,
remembering what comes next.

Out of the blackness,
I see your face.
A small scream escapes my lips,
and I am awake.

Again.

------------------------------

Songs:

"Sleep" Eric Whitacre

"Calling You" Celine Dion

Nostalgia

I was going through some old things today, when I found my red notebook. It's just this random, cheap, spiral notebook which traveled with me all throughout my three years in Texas. On the front cover is my favorite e.e. cummings poem "i carry your heart", and the inside contains grocery lists, a few journal entries, and some lyrics and poetry haphazardly scrawled in margins and sideways on pages with doodles surrounding. I kept a journal separate from this one, but for some reason or another I always had it laying around. The first page was written in December of 2005, and it's just two pages of me complaining that it's hard living in a new state and all my friends from high school are growing up and moving on with "boyfriends, and stuff". Later, in May 2007, there's an entry describing how I don't think my boyfriend "likes" me anymore and how afraid I am that I've fallen completely. My how things can change from year to year.

As I read through the amateur poems that follow, it brings tears to my eyes. Not because I miss my old boyfriend, which I am certain a part of me always will, but because it gives me hope. I believe that a broken heart will heal stronger than it was before. And statistically speaking, persons who have found love once are far more likely to love again than those who have never taken the chance. I know there will always be a place for this man in my heart, for he has meant more to me than I ever imagined one person could. I do know, however, that I have plenty of time ahead of me; time to learn and time to find love. I have labelled myself in the past as a hopefull romantic, so in the spirit of both sentimentality and hope for the future, I would like to share one of these re-discovered poems.

My Perfect Mess (circa May 2007)

a sweet contradiction
of joy and sorrow
pain and pleasure
the answer i seek
evades me
close enough to touch
but always just out of reach
i've fallen without falling
i don't know how i got here
but i never want to leave.

-V.O'Neel age 19 almost 20 =)
-----------------------------------------
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
not fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings
-----------------------------------------------------
Mine kind of pales in comparison, huh? =)
-V.O'Neel age 22 (almost 22 & a half!)

Songs:

"Comfortable" John Mayer

"Crazy" Seal

Positivity, Schmositivity.

I want to explain something.

I work for a polling company. It's an okay job, but that has nothing to do with this blog. The reason I bring it up at all, is that when you are hired they give you a personality test which determines what your "strengths" are. My Top 5 are as follows:

1. Strategic
2. Woo (Winning Others Over)
3. Communication
4. Empathy
5. Positivity

I'd like to focus on top strength 5, Positivity. According to the personality profile, people with Positivity can find the upside to any given situation. I would agree that I can definitely see the bright side to a seemingly negative experience, but I'm not sure this is always a healthy thing. These past few years have been kinda rough for me, not that I'm complaining, because I truly am blessed and have been given a lot of opportunity in my life. I am grateful for the things I take for granted, especially living in a country where I'm free to do pretty much whatever I want. But every now and again I can't help but whine and complain. A little bitching is good for the soul sometimes, I think.

Getting back to the Positivity thing; I have been telling myself that "it will be okay" for a long time now. I tell myself that the person who constantly hurts me will change and will love me the way I love him. I tell myself that one of these days I will wake up not miss him anymore. That someone new will come along and pull me out of my slump, and make it all better.

I've decided that thinking positively is not the issue, it's a great trait to have, and I am glad for it. I handle crises well. I am always the first person to jump in with a kind word when a friend is going through a difficult situation, I am full of advice. People know they can count on me, and it feels good to be needed. The issue, however, is that there is a difference between thinking positively, and acting on it. I can tell myself it will be okay, or I can make it okay. Make me okay.

I'm done letting my need to "think positive", stop me from seeing things for what they are. He's never going to change. I am never going to be "that girl". He will always need me when times are tough and I will always get him through, and he will always move onto someone new just as soon as he is semi-stable again. Unless I change things. I have control over my life, and I am constantly turning it over to someone else. No more. I'm tired of feeling ambition welling up inside me, strength to go after my dreams, when my actions are weak. Unhealthy patterns repeat themselves, and I am stuck in a parasitic cycle of needing to be needed, it's sucking the life out of me.

Even as I read the words as I am typing them, I am disgusted. I was not raised to be this co-dependent weakling of a person. My ability to empathize and relate should be a blessing, not hindrance. I want love to be something that sets me free, not keeps me anchored in the past. I have a lot to give, I want to help people. I want to smile, and mean it. I want to breathe deeply without it catching. I want to hear his voice without a shiver. I want to look in the mirror and be pleased, proud. I want to travel and see and do. I want to laugh often, and without holding back. I want a lot of things, and I think it's past time I started going after them.
--------------------------------
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
-Henry David Thoreau

Songs:
"Fireflies" Owl City
"Best I Ever Had" Vertical Horizon

It's all in the game

So my beloved Nebraska Cornhuskers lost today with a heart-breaking turnover in in the final minutes of the 4th quarter. We had been leading for the entire 2nd half, 12-10, then 15-10. It doesn't sound like we were doing well, but we really were! Defense was looking good, 2 of our players broke University and personal best records, it was a good game and we thought we had 'em. And then out of nowhere, in one play, we hesitated, got confident, and that darn Hokie offense snuck a TD. Game over. We lost by 1. ONE!!!

Okay, cheesy part where I relate a life to a football game: (You KNEW it was coming!)

Lately I find myself battling the same situation; I think I have my life under control and I can relax for a little while and just coast, the universe throws a wrench into the gears of my perfectly functioning life. Whether its a chance bout with the dreaded death-flu, or an equally infuriating flat tire, life sure has a way of messing with me. Some things are preventable, to a certain extent. I can wash my hands obsessively and shun my sneezing co-workers, but eventually I'm going to catch a cold. I can check the pressure on my tires and drive carefully, but I can't stop the parking lot of the Sonic Drive-Thru from having a jagged, tire-eating crack on my way to work. All for the sake of a diet Coke with lemon.

I have decided to accept these inevitable small losses as a part of life, but in no way does that mean I am admitting defeat. Certain weeks may get the best of me, I will fall to my opponent every now and then, but there are still plenty of games left in the season, and I'm ready to play. As long as I am able to shake off the day at the end of it, and keep my goals in mind, I know I will be successful in my endeavors.

Go Team!

-V.O'Neel
----------------------------
Photograph edited using www.picnik.com by the author of this blog (that's me).
=)

Songs:
"It's all in the game" Johnny Mathis
"That's just the way it is" Tupac

packing

I took off your ring today.
The silver band which encircled my finger, and ensnared my heart.
I placed the ring gently in its little box,
tied the little bow,
and placed it in the crate with all your pictures;
a razor I never returned to you,
the t-shirts you left behind,
and a sweatshirt which still bares your scent.
I boxed you up and hid you away deep inside my heart,
I boxed up your memories and hid them away deep inside my mind,
I boxed you up.
I've kept too many things for far too long.
Meaningless every day items, like your broken computer or your toothbrush.
They moved here with me back when I thought you might need them,
but now I know they will never again be used or needed.
Just like me.
You used them up and forgot about them instantly.
Just like me.

---------------------------------
Songs:
"You'll think of Me" Keith Urban

...and so she would play.

Another bad day today.
Another fear realized,
another White Knight fallen.

A weight builds on her shoulder,
too heavy to ignore.
Her dark green eyes
were brimming with tears,

too many to blink away...

...and so she would play.

Clumsy fingers on cracked ivory,
spilling furiously over the keys.
Fingertips pressing into the old wood,
plunking out unwritten songs
of waking dreams and memories.

Love unrequited brings
heartbreak, and pain.
With no resolution,
prayers seem unanswered,
her questions remain.

But music is easy,
a melody can heal.
Words failed and tears fell;
life threatened
to steal her smile away...

...and so she would play.

-------------------------------------

Author's Note: VERY rough draft. But it stems from my memories of playing my old piano (pictured above). I still think there's an escape and a release found in playing the piano. No words are necessary, you can just let your fingers and the keys do the speaking. Isn't music the greatest? =)

-V. O'Neel

Songs:

"Bella's Lullaby" Carter Burwell (although I don't think this is from the soundtrack)

"Lullaby, (Goodnight My Angel)" Billy Joel

Remembering 9/11/2001.

I will NEVER:

Give up on something/one I believe in.
Go to sleep with anger in my heart.
Leave relationships unresolved.
Let pride keep me from making amends.
Hold grudges- it's just NOT worth it.
Waste time on a lost cause.
Obsess over the past- live it, learn from it, move on.
Take my failures too seriously, or my rejections too personally.
Let my first impression dictate my opinion of a person.



I will ALWAYS:

Follow my heart.
Tell loved ones how much they mean to me.
Be honest with myself.
Live with purpose.
Forgive.
Know the difference between a good investment, and a waste of time.
Live in the moment.
Love deeply and whole-heartedly.
Find time to laugh and enjoy.

------------------------
Songs:
"Use Well the Days" Howard Shore

a prayer.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go"
-Joshua 1:9 NIV

I am burdened.
Weak.
Lost.
I am incomplete.

I can't see past this,
my vision is clouded.
the fire that once burned
is fading fast.

I am broken,
beyond repair.
I am sinking,
drowning.

I wander,
searching.
My heart is heavy,
darkness closes in.

I am fearful,
faithless.
Hopeless.

In my darkest moment,
You have found me.
My shame can not hide me.
My sin can not hold me.

My head hangs down.
Lift my chin that I might gaze
upon Your glory.
Let me hear Your voice,
speak to me of Your love.
Soothe this weary soul.

My heart aches, my breath is labored.
Wrap your arms around me, that
I may find rest.
Hold me.

Heal these wounds I have inflicted;
the pain that I have allowed to overcome me,
the darkness I have empowered,
this sickness which plagues me.

You have opened my eyes,
I am healed.
better.

You have pieced together
my broken heart,
given it back to me.

Your love has wiped the tears from my face,
Cleansed them with Your healing rain.
Washed me clean.

I am strong,
for You have given me
strength, courage.
I am loved.
Forgiven.

-V.K.O

-----------------------

Songs:

"I will praise You in this storm" Casting Crowns

"a prayer" Elisa

down to my last dollar

Things have been a little heavy lately, and I think it's important to do a fun exercise every so often, to lighten up!

List 10 things you would buy with your last $20.

via http://www.creativewritingprompts.com/

1. orbit bubblemint chewing gum (necessity)

2. gasoline for Tauri

3. a can of diet coke (necessity)

4. burt's bees chapstick

5. a cheap novel

6. ramen noodles (so I don't starve when I'm penniless)

7. a spiral notebook

8. pack of black ballpoint pens

9. glass of vodka & water with lemon (why not?)

10. a lottery ticket

---------------------------------

(The pink one with the tiara is my piggy bank. Adorable, isn't she?)

control.

the clock on the wall
winks.
love hesitates.
a knot of anger
builds.
an inch of restraint-
words unspoken.
time running out.
i have been careless
with my
heart.

-V.K.O.

----------------------------

Song:

"Stockholm's Syndrome" Muse

Adios. Auf Wiedersehen. Namaste. Sayonara. Arrivederci. Au Revoir. Goodbye.

Today I start living for me.

Took me awhile but now I'm seeing clearly
I believed my world would end the
Moment we were over
And I believed in you.

I thought that we were something good
So I held on tighter when
I should've walked away.
I liked the sound of your voice telling me
you needed me
I thought I needed you.

I was always just playing the fool
My heart is now a casualty in a game I'm over playing.
I was just following after you
Now I'm making the rules
No longer your fool.

This broken soul will heal without a doubt,
but I was so wrapped up in you
I barely found my
Way out.
I loved the way my head felt safe upon your shoulder
Thought I really loved you.

I held my breath and closed my eyes but
Love didn't come and neither did I.
Your touch was warm your
Heart was frozen, fears keeping it
unopened.

It’s our end but my beginning

It’s about time that I start living...


--------------------------------------
Author's Note: I wrote this awhile ago. It's extremely raw and very amatuer-ish, but appropriate to my current situation. I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm beyond exhausted, actually. I have come to the conclusion that people will only treat you poorly so long as you let them. It's not that I have had people in my life who have walked all over me, it's more like; I throw myself beneath their feet and say, "Could you just stomp all over me? That'd be great". I'm not playing the victim card, I'm not playing the "he-done-me-wrong" card, I'm just done playing all together. No more games.

That's all =)

-V.K.O.

Song:

"Gravity" Sarah Barielles

mantra

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes


(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)


how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of allnothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?


(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)



-e.e. cummings