Positivity, Schmositivity.

I want to explain something.

I work for a polling company. It's an okay job, but that has nothing to do with this blog. The reason I bring it up at all, is that when you are hired they give you a personality test which determines what your "strengths" are. My Top 5 are as follows:

1. Strategic
2. Woo (Winning Others Over)
3. Communication
4. Empathy
5. Positivity

I'd like to focus on top strength 5, Positivity. According to the personality profile, people with Positivity can find the upside to any given situation. I would agree that I can definitely see the bright side to a seemingly negative experience, but I'm not sure this is always a healthy thing. These past few years have been kinda rough for me, not that I'm complaining, because I truly am blessed and have been given a lot of opportunity in my life. I am grateful for the things I take for granted, especially living in a country where I'm free to do pretty much whatever I want. But every now and again I can't help but whine and complain. A little bitching is good for the soul sometimes, I think.

Getting back to the Positivity thing; I have been telling myself that "it will be okay" for a long time now. I tell myself that the person who constantly hurts me will change and will love me the way I love him. I tell myself that one of these days I will wake up not miss him anymore. That someone new will come along and pull me out of my slump, and make it all better.

I've decided that thinking positively is not the issue, it's a great trait to have, and I am glad for it. I handle crises well. I am always the first person to jump in with a kind word when a friend is going through a difficult situation, I am full of advice. People know they can count on me, and it feels good to be needed. The issue, however, is that there is a difference between thinking positively, and acting on it. I can tell myself it will be okay, or I can make it okay. Make me okay.

I'm done letting my need to "think positive", stop me from seeing things for what they are. He's never going to change. I am never going to be "that girl". He will always need me when times are tough and I will always get him through, and he will always move onto someone new just as soon as he is semi-stable again. Unless I change things. I have control over my life, and I am constantly turning it over to someone else. No more. I'm tired of feeling ambition welling up inside me, strength to go after my dreams, when my actions are weak. Unhealthy patterns repeat themselves, and I am stuck in a parasitic cycle of needing to be needed, it's sucking the life out of me.

Even as I read the words as I am typing them, I am disgusted. I was not raised to be this co-dependent weakling of a person. My ability to empathize and relate should be a blessing, not hindrance. I want love to be something that sets me free, not keeps me anchored in the past. I have a lot to give, I want to help people. I want to smile, and mean it. I want to breathe deeply without it catching. I want to hear his voice without a shiver. I want to look in the mirror and be pleased, proud. I want to travel and see and do. I want to laugh often, and without holding back. I want a lot of things, and I think it's past time I started going after them.
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"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
-Henry David Thoreau

Songs:
"Fireflies" Owl City
"Best I Ever Had" Vertical Horizon