Thursday, August 26, 2010

Identity Crisis

Isn't it funny how relationships change everything? You take on the interests, stresses, and schedule of one another without necessarily meaning to. Even your vocabulary changes. 'I' becomes 'we', 'mine' becomes 'our' and seemingly overnight, I've lost my 'me' to an 'us'.

Recently, I've been feeling a little lost within this world of plurals, I'm missing the simplicity of single life. I've been trying to take a step back to collect my thoughts and move forward, but my step has been misinterpreted as a push. He thinks I'm keeping him at arms' length, but all I'm trying to keep is my head above water.

Staying sane is priority number one right now. That, and getting some sunlight or spray tan in my life ASAP. I'm albino-ing out over here, but I digress. Lately, the bf and I have been having some very marriage-y conversations. I guess because we are both employed and he's graduating in September(!), that means we should exchange rings and start procreating. (We're having a girl first, we already decided.)

There are so many things I need to DO with my life before all of that. I know that he loves me- I am more convinced of this than I am that the world is turning. I'm just not entirely sold on thinking that he likes me. I think I annoy him, and that's no good. Bickering old married couples only work on sit-coms, not in real life.

I feel myself having to pry into his head to discern how he's really feeling. Then, I sit around and obsess and analyze until I can't even remember what I was thinking about in the first place. Sounds exceedingly healthy, no? All the thinking in the world is meaningless however, because if I ever get to the point where I convince myself that maybe he and I are not meant to be, I get an instantaneous lightening bolt to the chest to remind me that I love him in a way I've never felt before. My brain and my heart are bitter enemies.

Listen, folks; I can't complain. I have never been treated better in my entire life. No one has ever shown me more compassion and love in my twenty three years of living. All of this was true years before we even started dating, back when he was the guy I would call to pick up the pieces when I had had a fight/breakup/reunion with my ex or when I was lost/stranded/lonely/bored/crying/out of people to call. He has been both the champion and the wrecker of my heart, and though there have been times of hurt feelings and a touch of betrayal; I don't think I will ever again find a love like this.

Tomorrow night is supposed to be our date night, although up until now, I would've have bet it would end in a circular conversation about everything that's broken between us. I'm deciding against it. Tomorrow, I'm going to curl my hair, put on a dress he's never seen me in before and meet him at the door with a smile. "It's just growing pains", I'll say. I'll mean it. I think it's past time I put a little faith in the man who seems to have endless faith in me.

I want my relationship back and I want my identity back. I want to feel confident that I am deserving of the love I am shown, and I want Josh to be certain that I'm determined to see this thing through to the finish. I'm not naive enough to think nothing will break us; the truth is, I have no idea if I will see him smiling up at me from the alter someday, or not. But the option is there, and the chances are good.

"Do You Know Me At All" John Mayer

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