Thursday, February 10, 2011

Not feelin' the love

Fair warning: I feel a rant coming on.

** should maybe skip this post...luv ya!**

Did you know there's this upcoming holiday called Valentine's day? It's a strange day where we gage our affection for one another based on how much stuff we give and receive; expensive dinners, jewelry, chocolates, flowers, the list goes on! Listen, I have a boyfriend whom I love and, in my opinion, an awesome present in mind for him for this year...I'm just worn out already!

I'm just gonna lay it out there; I like stuff. I like things that are shiny and sweet and expensive. What I don't like is being made to feel like a superficial soulless creature for liking the stuff! I also like intimate dinners at home, supermarket flowers, and handwritten love notes in lieu of expensive nights out. The old cliche is true on this one; it really is the thought that counts! The reason why the stereotypical Valentine's day stuff is meaningful is because it is given to you by someone who loves you enough to make the mundane classics seem new and as if the holiday was meant for only the two of you.

...but that's just my opinion.

I am admittedly over stressed right now and most likely somewhere on the bordering-on-a-nervous-breakdown spectrum. Wow. That's not dramatic at all. Listen, for the most part, my life is golden. I have all of my basic needs covered and I am loved and well cared for. I have a tendency to personalize the stress of others and I almost always take work home with me; when you work with children, it's hard not to.

I can tell Joshua is having a hard time right now. There is a lot of pressure placed on his shoulders around the holidays because he is unsure of how to to express his feelings to me in a way that won't disappoint. What he doesn't understand, even after several frustrating conversations, is that nothing he can ever do will be a disappointment to me if I am secure in his love for me. That's the key.

Right now, I'm in a place of knowing but not feeling. It sounds so corny and straight out of an NBC (boo) soap but I really don't know how else to word it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my man loves me. A lot. He loves me more than anyone else he has ever loved before. Trust me, I'm not that cool...he just thinks I am. Isn't that how it should be? The problem as of late is that I'm not really feelin' the love. The translation from head to heart just isn't happening lately, and I'm not sure who/what to blame. Work, health drama, $$$ (or lack thereof), car troubles, Josh, myself, or a poorly timed combination of all the above.

At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter who or what is to blame. I have a feeling that the dreaded V day will come and go and my relationship will remain intact. Things have a way of working out for us, despite my unnecessary thoughts of doom & gloom. I need to do my best to stay positive and focus on the things I can control, like my actions and the love I show to those around me. I need to *kindly* explain what I'm thinking and wanting, instead of expecting my sweet bf to be magically transformed into a freakin' mind reader. My bad.

Babe, if you're still reading this (even though I told you not to), I'm sorry. I love you. Pay no attention to the crazy lady with the computer.

I'll leave you with an only slightly sarcastic,



"I need a lover" John Mellencamp
"I'd rather be with you" Joshua Radin

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