Shine a little light

I feel that I have been living under a little bit of a rain cloud as of late.

 For the most part, I am blessed with a great family, supportive co-workers, fun friends and a man I love very much. Over the past month or so, however, I have allowed myself to be caught up in negativity. Here's what I'm learning;

As we age, our life experiences shape us. Up to a certain point, we are who we have been raised to be. The timing is different for everyone, but I believe there comes a moment when each person becomes aware of the flaws of their upbringing. Then there is a choice to be made. You can either accept things the way they are and always have been and continue along the beaten path, or do something a little fearless. You can change. Appreciate the past for what it was, a lesson in life, and strike out on your own. 

I'd like to write a bit about marriage. (Have I lost my audience yet?) I find few positive paintings of marriage in western culture. Tabloids are filled with pages of cheating starlets and 72 hour celebrity marriages, Primetime is wrought with sit-coms chronicling frustrated wives and their foolish husbands as they navigate their way through the life they've resigned themselves to. Maybe it's just the recession talking, but it seems to me that making the best of it is the name of the game these days. 

How did we get here? Television programs like The Bachelor (and many others like it) draw millions of viewers but same-sex unions between people who actually know and love one another are destroying the sanctity of marriage? Really? Something about that just doesn't vibe with me. Call me old fashioned, but I don't want to 'win' the man of my dreams by being the final contestant on a reality show. I'll keep my fairy tales. 

I was raised to believe in marriage. My parents have been married for 30 years and in all that time, I can remember only witnessing one major argument. It was about money and it was the first time I'd ever heard a profane word come out of my father's mouth. My family is not necessarily wealthy, but we've always had enough. I'd never wanted for anything, mostly because I was raised to be grateful for what I have and to place my value not in material possessions, but elsewhere. Faith in God is and always has been the cornerstone of my family. It was obnoxious at times, because I couldn't tattle on my little sister without being reminded never to "create strife", but I am thankful beyond words to have been raised to know the meaning of true, agape, love. 

I am not into the idea of needing a person to complete me. I have a God who loves me and did not make me with a few missing pieces. I am an ever changing, living, breathing example of His grace and compassion. My life has a purpose, just as all do. When I find myself fearing that my life without my boyfriend would be empty, it's a reality check for me. I am not where I need to be in my walk with the Lord. Relationships shouldn't define us, they should bless and edify our lives. If I am hit by a bus tomorrow, I would hate to think that I would be remembered only by titles via my Facebook profile; Teacher, Singer, Blogger, Josh's Girlfriend. Yikes! These things are amazing, important parts of my life, but they are not my sole purpose and motivation for living.

My goal should be to live in such a way that people are pointed to Him by the love pouring out of me. I don't want to be preachy, because I don't think that is what we are called to be. Somehow, "Go and spread the Good News.." has turned into shoving religion down people's throats or ostracizing them for thinking differently. Whatever happened to leading by example? 

With each passing year, I find myself a little less the hopeful romantic I claim to be. I struggle with a need to know. I overanalyze things and people which robs me of the joy and surprise of learning something new. Nothing seems natural anymore. It takes courage and faith to release oneself from the worry of tomorrow and focus on the blessings of today...I fear I'm lacking both.

Instead of letting ourselves be bogged down by the flaws and failures of the world, my wish is to focus on that which is good and perfect. I believe in the healing power of love and of music, because it is Love that saved me and continues to sustain me, even in my most cynical and darkest of moments. Each day is a precious gift, and I long to spend the remainder of mine surrounded by the ones for which my very heart beats. 

Maybe it's the daydreamer in me who wishes to think only on the positive. Instead of the constant panic of the nonsense of this world. I feel homesick, and I look forward to the day when our time on earth with all make sense. I am certain of one thing; there is meaning it all, each heartbreak, each burned bridge, each moment of laughter at a favorite song heard on the radio and the list goes on. Although society is wrought with addiction, deceit and divorce, doesn't mean there is a place in my future for any of those. Life is what you make it. Really.

& here's the quote that began this entire rambling:

"Marriage is not a ritual or an end. It is a long, intricate, intimate dance together and nothing matters more than your own sense of balance and your choice of partner."
- Amy Bloom

...I think that about sums it up. =)

xoxo,

V
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Songs:
"Out of Nowhere" Miles Davis
"Across the Stars" (Love Theme from Star Wars: Attack of the Clones) John Williams
"With or Without You" Vitamin String Quartet
"Butterflies & Hurricanes" Muse
"Today" Joshua Radin
"Time" Billy Porter

I'm gonna be a mommy!

Well...kind of.

As of Friday, May 21, which happens to be my 23rd birthday, I will be the super proud owner of a little baby girl puggle (pug and beagle mix) puppy! Josh and I have named her Penny and I can't wait to meet her! She is coming to me from Sappa Creek Puppies, in Beaver City, NE. Lois at Sappa Creek had been very kind in answering all of my first time puppy parent questions, of which there have been many.

I wanted to know what kind of food to buy, so that she wouldn't have tummy troubles when I brought her home, I wanted to know how many litters her mother has per year, because I am ever leery of the dreaded puppy mill. She answered all of my questions and gave me a reference to call from her previous litter so I could ask about the temperament of the puppies. My fears have been assuaged, puppy supplied ordered, and my deposit is in the mail. I am so excited for next week!

Penny already has a license with her name on it,

thanks to the sweetest boyfriend on the planet.

Meet Penny the Puggle (pictured here at 4 weeks)

More to come!

-V

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Songs:

"Penny Lane" The Beatles (her namesake, because I had that song stuck in my head all night when Joshua and I were discussing puppy names)

Love and Marriage and Babies...Oh, my!

Can someone please tell my biological clock to stop ticking?

I'm only 22 for goodness' sake.

This past weekend, Joshua took me to his cousin's wedding. It was interesting to say the least. At first, I was insanely nervous because this was the first meet-the-family event, and in case you couldn't tell, I really like this boy. Somewhere in between the bride putting the ring on the groom's right (read: WRONG) hand and Josh's brother paying the limo driver to chauffeur us around to random small town bars after the reception, my nerves gave way to butterflies.

I don't know what's gotten into me lately, but I've been extremely future-minded. It doesn't help that I'm dating my long-time friend, so we're very comfortable [half] joking about marriage and babies and talking about the future. I keep waiting for one or both of us to start freaking out, but it's just not happening. My brain keeps telling me things are moving too fast and foreshadowing a life-wrecking crash and burn scenario; but those thoughts are fleeting, and disperse as soon as his eyes meet mine for any length of time. And that smile...

So, anyways...back to the wedding. My beau was in the wedding party and I was not, which makes for an interesting situation. I was kind of lonely at first, but quickly began making fast friends with his family. I love his Mom, she is a truly amazing woman and so down to earth! Every family member who would walk up to introduce themselves to me would say; "Are you Josh's girlfriend?" Yes. "He loves you." or some variance of the same. Apparently I was a topic of conversation at the rehearsal dinner. I don't know which is more strange, the fact that the entire family felt comfortable enough to tell me this, or the fact that it left me beaming at each telling.

And then he caught the garter. Goodness Gracious, of course he did. Thus began the planning of my wedding, and Josh's sister-in-law's constant referral to me as her sister-in-law. People were snapping more photos of us dancing/kissing/making goo-goo eyes at each other than they were of the bride and groom, honestly. When it came time for the bride to throw the bouquet, you'd better believe I dodged those flowers like they were freakin' hand grenades! That would've been too much. It's all too much, but I love it.

I'm a lucky [slightly crazy] girl.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock....

-V

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Songs:

"Beautiful Day" Vitamin String Quartet (cover of U2)

"Lucky" Jason Mraz & Colbie Calliat

When I grow up...

Oh, the glamorous life of a soybean.

Don't you wish it were really that easy?

T.G.I.F!!

-V

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Songs:

"Change the World" Eric Clapton

photo credit

c-c-c-COURAGE.

Well, folks, today's the day.

Freakin' finally!

Bring on the latex gloves, microscopes and needles.

"Have I not commanded you? Be STRONG and COURAGEOUS. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

-Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

-V

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Songs:

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" Bobby McFerrin

Photo: from the Wizard of Oz

the W A I T I N G game.

I loathe the waiting game. I don't like waiting for people in traffic, in relationships, and certainly not waiting until February to figure out a potentially harmful medical issue. Waiting is LAME. I usually figure out what it is that I want fairly quickly, at least when it comes to relationships and love. I either want to be with someone, or I don't, and that's that. No messing around, no games, either stick with it or cut ties and move on.

This week I feel like the little girl in the picture, I'm sick of waiting and downright grumpy! Lately, it seems that my life is full of waiting. I have to wait to find out what's going on with me health-wise, I'm waiting for the man I'm seeing (J.) to figure out what he wants out of life right now. Now, that last one is a very long, ridiculous story but I'll give you the bullet points. J. loves me, always has, always will. I reciprocate those sentiments. I always thought this whole building a relationship out of a friendship thing would be relatively easy. Wrong. It's especially not easy when someone you have counted on for 10 years picks this to be the week of all weeks he lies to you. Not just a little lie, either. A big, fat, heart-stomping, trust-breaking lie. Ugh. But what am I supposed to do? Throw away 10 years of history? Who am I to judge? I'm no saint. I told J. my theory of the week on giving chances in relationships;

Once is a mistake, Twice is a red flag, Three is a pattern, Three strikes, you're out!

I'm stressed and absent-minded. My distractedness is manifesting itself mostly with the constant misplacing of my car keys. Last week alone, I locked them in my car (!!), lost them in the couch for two hours, and walked around the house looking for them only to discover that I was carrying them in my purse all the while. Oh, and you'll love this one, I left my car door open last Tuesday night. As in, the driver's side door WIDE OPEN all night! With my debit card sitting in the cupholder! Debit cards don't belong in cupholders! Luckily, no one stole it and my battery didn't die on me, so even in my state of temporary insanity, I am still blessed by grace.

Time for some perspective. We all have bad weeks, some of us have bad months! It's important for me to not let myself be overrun with negativity. It's easy to take the easy road, and hard to take the hard road. Negativity is easy, playing the victim is easy, blaming others is easy. Life is a constrant string of successes and failures, it's which of these you focus on that determines your happiness. I choose to focus on the good. I have accomplished a lot over the past year, battled a few demons I had let control my life for far too long. I am proud, and filled with hope for the coming year. 2010 has already thrown me a few curve balls, but I know that He will not give me more than I can handle. Bring it on!

"Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience"

-Author Unknown

-V

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Songs:

"Tangled Up in You" Staind [because he plays this for me on his guitar...]

"Apologize" OneRepublic [because I'm still trying to be mad]

photo credit

Oh so RETRO

Have you ever noticed how fashion trends move in cycles? A trend is in style, then becomes out of style, and if you wait long enough, voila! In style again. Well, here's the thing;

The men in my life are like fashion.

I have those faithful few who have been with me through the good and bad times, and I can always count on them. I have been extremely blessed with some guys I met in my high school choir years, who I remain ridiculously close with to this day. I know I can call them anytime I need a laugh or a shoulder to cry on, or to be serenaded and treated like a princess. Those guys are my basic essentials; the little black dresses, great pair of jeans and stilettos of my life. Every girl needs 'em and I honestly don't know what I would do without them. (The men, not the clothes, I'm not that materialistic!)

Then, I have the flavor of the weeks. Guys I meet in bars who seem nice and funny until it's closing time and, "So...how about after hours?"...those would equate to the impulse purchase that seemed like a good idea at the time, but after the credit card slip is signed, immediate buyer's remorse sets in. Sunglasses a la Kanye West, anyone? I know you have them, too. Sometimes I wish men came with receipts, there's definitely a few of them I'd like to return if I had the chance. Store credit or cash back?

Another unfortunate fashion mishap, that item that looked great on the hanger, not so great in the dressing room, but I bought it anyways because, well, I can lose that extra inch by the time I want to wear this outfit...yeah, that never seems to happen, does it? Ladies, please buy clothes that fit, and for goodness sake, don't try and change yourself to "fit" a man, or the other way around. Listen, I'm a huge advocate for change, I do believe in rehabilitation, and that even the douche-iest of men has the capacity to change into that great guy you know he can be. Here's the thing though; just because he can, doesn't mean he will. In fact, odds are, even if he does have some miraculous transformation into Mr. Right, it'll have destroyed your relationship just in time for him to move on and treat the next girl he meets like a princess.

Case in point, I had an ex send me a text a couple months ago saying; "Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with." He then followed by texting; "Thanks for doing most of the stomping". He was trying to be funny, or maybe even cute, but my reaction was a resounding "F*#% You!". Thanks for doing most of the stomping? Really? You're welcome. You're welcome for spending years of my life believing that you could change, only to finally be done with it, break up, and have you call me a couple months later saying that it "dawned" on you that you were horrible to me and I was amazing to you? You're freaking welcome.

If I sound a little bitter, it's because I am, and lookie here, I've gone and strayed from my men are like fashion analogy. Getting back on topic...right now, I have a couple men in my life that are causing me some trouble; J and R. J is my vintage guy. We've known each other for ten years, and he's [almost] always been so good to me. He, of course, has his share of flaws, but you don't throw away a piece of vintage Chanel just because it has a few frays on the hemline. Then we have R. I really don't know what to say about R except that, he's Nice Guy #2 from a few of my previous posts. Now I'm thinking he might not be such a nice guy after all. I'm frazzled and confused, and beyond exhausted with trying to figure this whole thing out.

Why is it every time every time I finally get rid of a particular trend it comes right back around (Hello, 80's)? I find myself craving something new, something fresh, not just the same fads recycled over and over again. Anybody with me?

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Songs:

"Trainwreck" Elliot Yamin

"Maybe This Time" Cast of Glee feat. Kristin Chenoweth

"Heart Shaped Glasses" Marilyn Manson

Making Moves: Three's Company, Too!

I've been a little M.I.A. lately, I know! I'm sorry. In a tiny little nutshell, here's what's been going on in my silly little life.

I moved!

I moved into a new house with 2 of my co-workers this past weekend. New Roommate #1 is Joe, and it's actually his house we're moving into. New Roommate #2 is Jill, my awesome co-worker/cubicle neighbor. We are becoming fast friends, and she is 5'2'' of pure energy...love her! So far so good, except that I've somehow become the dish-washing, dinner-cooking, house mom within a matter of days...ah well. We've been having a grand old time, mostly because the great state of Nebraska decided to blizzard for two days straight, leaving us snowed in and more than a little stir crazy. It's been a week full of wine/beer/peppermint schnapps & hot chocolate, card games, and most recently, a Michael Jackson fueled dance-a-thon.

I'm sure I will have plenty of anecdotes and adventures to share in the following months, did I mention Joe has a 19-month-old daughter? We're gonna have some interesting times, I can tell.

I promise to post more frequently as soon as I get the wireless hooked up in my new digs, just wanted to write a little something to let all of my readers in the blogosphere know that I'm thinking about ya! I hope you're all having a wonderful week, stay tuned!

-V

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Song:

"Three's Company" Original TV Soundtrack

Photo Finish Friday

So did anyone get trampled to death today in order to grab the last pack of 99 cent Christmas lights? Black Friday is nutzo. I did order a new laptop (!) online at like 3 in the morning though, so I guess I technically participated. Hurray!

Anyways...here it is, a week (or so) in review, via my camera.

While browsing away at Target, I discovered a giant Christmas Tree ornament full of smaller Christmas Tree ornaments! I thought it was so fabulous, I ignored the fact that Christmas displays before Thanksgiving annoy me.

Fast forward to my little sister's 20th birthday. We had to drive to Council Bluffs, IA because she desperately wanted to see the Twilight movie...New Moon, (OMG Edward Cullen! He's so dreamy...oh wait...he's just some super skinny, pale, mediocre actor? Not impressed.) Tickets were all sold out everywhere around our city and surrounding areas, so we took a mini-roadtrip. This picture shows our frustration with the state of Iowa. In one night I locked my keys in the car, had to wait in line for an hour to sit in the 3rd row of a smelly movie theater, and we were then stranded for the night because an eerie fog descended upon the town immediately after the end credits rolled. Good times had by all, Happy Birthday, Sis, welcome to your twenties!

Which brings us to Thanksgiving. This is a picture of my favorite food of Thanksgiving,

Pumpkin Pie.

There's really nothing else to say except.....Mmmmmmmm. =)

I hope everyone had a splendid Holiday, surrounded by the ones you love, I know I did! May your weekend be filled with laughter, love, and leftovers!

-V

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This week has been a random week for me, musically. Here are some of this week's earworms.

Songs:

"Human Nature" Michael Jackson

"The Morning After Dark" Timbaland ft. Nelly Furtado & ShoShy

"What I Got" Sublime (they're growing on me....kind of like this crush!)

Side note: I don't know where the whole Photo Finish Friday thing began, but I don't want to take credit for the idea. I got the idea off of one of my favorite blogs, Vodka Logic's Photo Phinish Phriday.

Stronger.

Let's go to church for a second, k?

Today, I was having brunch with a dear friend from high school, who now lives in Florida with her husband. We began to discuss what we've been doing over the past four years, how we can't believe that many of our friends have graduated and moved onto 'big kid' jobs in the real world, while we are both struggling to get our Bachelor's before we start going gray. We traded lists of friends who've had children, friends who've moved away, just the typical girl stuff. She asked me about my three years in Texas, and who I had dated while I lived there. Oh my. I gave her the extremely condensed version, and we moved on to stories of her wedding and the clash between her new Hubby and her Mother.

And then we began to talk about faith.

She shared with me how she had recently "found [her] faith" in Florida. I shared with her how I nearly lost mine in Texas. We both agreed upon one thing. It is such a blessing to have a God like ours. Now, I have some issues in my past, but it's nothing too terrible. Overall, I have been very blessed and I would be a better person to remember these blessings more often. There was a time in my life that I was severely depressed and constantly considered giving up. I sometimes would find myself thinking about death, not in a suicidal way, but in a very apathetic manner. I didn't want to die, I just didn't necessarily care if I did. I sometimes thought it would be fine with me if I was involved in some sort of tragic accident, because I truly did not see another way of finding relief from the darkness haunting me.

I sat across the table from my friend, sipping ice water and orange juice, and recalling the many opportunities the Holy Spirit had given me that I pushed away, or rather, ran away from. Whether it was a convicting song on the radio which I immediately switched off, or my father asking me, pleading with me through tears, to tell him what was wrong; I denied it. I was given chance after chance to bring my troubles to God and accept the healing which only He can offer, and I responded by closing my eyes and heart, and retreating into myself. It was then I realized something, a lesson I'm certain I have already learned.

I have been so wrong. Who am I to think that I can handle troubles on my own? Thinking I need only forgive myself for the mistakes in my past, and absolve myself by doing good deeds to make up for my actions? One of my favorite hymns reminds us;

"O, what peace we often forfeit,

O, what a needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry,

Everything to God in prayer."

I was humbled. How many times have I stood in church and heard the message, listening to my Pastor ask anyone with a burdened heart to come forward and receive prayer? How many times did I ignore the call of my heart, deciding that I was going to do this on my own. I have taken on such worry and stress over my best friend, sister, and certainly over my ex, fretting over their bad decisions and trying to 'fix' them. I have had myself so convinced that they need me; that it is my job to prove to this man that I will always be there for him and never fail him, that it is my place to prevent my sister and best friend from repeating my missteps and to keep them from harm.

How arrogant of me to think that I have the power to bring about change or salvation in the heart of a man? Who do I think I am, the savior of my friends and family? It is my duty to lift up the ones I love in prayer, and to be a witness to them- not a savior. How many burdens have I carried around on my shoulders, weighing me down, poisoning me, when I could give them up to my God. My God is stronger than the demons of my past. My God is stronger than the pain of my broken heart.

My God is stronger.


-V. O'Neel
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Songs:
"Remember When it Rained" Josh Groban

...when it's fall-ish

I would just like the world to know that it SNOWED on Saturday morning. In OCTOBER. How ridiculous.

At approximately 4 in the morning, I awakened to the sound of what I thought was raindrops. Wrong. I stared out the window and watched the leaves fall from the trees, pouring down like rain. Wind was howling and branches were swaying- a good old-fashioned thunderstorm. If you know me at all, you know that I love rain, I love thunder, lightening, all of that. I love nothing more than a lazy Saturday rainstorm where I can cuddle up with a book and a cup of tea. This however, no was no rainstorm. It started out as such but as I watched, the freezing raindrops transformed into giant snowflakes before my sleepy eyes.

Of course, from then on, there was no sleep for me. I officially "got up" around 8 and started getting ready for a long day of work, realizing as I was walking out the door that I should have left some time for the winter car chores. The temperature outside was semi-confusing to the senses. Although snow had fallen, much of it had either melted on the way down, or dissolved as it hit the not-yet-frozen earth. I didn't even need a winter coat, the temperature was chilly at worst.

What I did notice, however, were the leaves. Hundereds of them, covering the yard, the driveway, the street. Everything was covered in a blanket of yellow-green. Lucky for me, only a couple inches had accumulated on the top of my beloved Tauri (the 97 Ford Taurus, for those of you new to my blog), and I was able to brush off the powerdery stuff quickly and without much trouble. Tauri roared to life -well, groaned to life, anyways- and we were off.

I don't know what the weather is trying to pull, but last I checked, it was Autumn. Autumn is a great season, college football (Go Huskers), leaves changing, pumpkin pie, spiced apple cider...some of my favorite things! It seems as though big bad winter has decided to come early, and I'm worried that it's here to stay. I am not prepared. There are hats and mittens and scarves to be found, boots to be purchased, sweaters to be brought out of storage! I haven't even begun to think about Christmas shopping...go away Winter, I am not ready for you yet! Let me stay and revel in my beloved Autumn, I'll meet you in December.

“How did it get so late so soon?

It's night before its afternoon.

December is here before it's June.

My goodness how the time has flewn.
How did it get so late so soon?”

-Dr. Seuss

-V. O'Neel

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Photo: view of my lovely porch, on my way to work.

Songs:
"Winter Song" Sara Barielles ft. Ingrid Michaelson
"Snow Miser" from Year Without a Santa Claus

I'm ready.

One of my favorite things about music, it that it speaks when you can not. There are so many times when a certain situation will render me speechless, and I will turn to my piano or my radio to give me words. I'm sure everyone can relate. If you are a regular reader of my blog; first of all, thank you, and secondly, you know that I chatter quite a bit about relationships and love. I've been trying to put into words how I feel about my past, what I'm experiencing now, and what I hope for my future. Sometimes though, I fail. Enter Billy Joel.

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

For some reason this morning, I felt it was important that I share this with you, my dear reader. I am ready for new. I am ready for new experiences, new people, new challenges, new love. I am ready to open up again, I think I can take it. I am ready to leap into situations unknown, to put my faith in my God and trust that I will land on my feet, or He will catch me. All I can do is keep breathing, place one foot in front of the other, and live my life as best as I can. Will I stumble? Most certainly. I do know however, that eventually I will figure it all out, and I will make sense of this hodgepodge of a life I've got going.

So, what am I looking for? I'm looking for a career in which I feel fulfilled. A job that is more than a job, somewhere I can help. I'm looking for someone who not only accepts me despite my past, but because of it. A person who can love the pieces of my being, and also the completion. For the first time in a long time, I actually have faith that I will obtain all of these things. For the first time in a long time, I truly believe that I deserve them.
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Songs:
"And So it Goes" Billy Joel
"Use Somebody" Kings of Leon
"The Way I Am" Ingrid Michaelson

life is good today.

Today was a really good day.

It's kind of a big deal.

I have no idea why, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like myself. My head is clear, I can breathe. Nothing hurts. I smile for no reason, I laugh because I can. Instead of walking across the room, I choose to dance. I'm alone without feeling lonely. I feel comfort, safety, peace. I feel hopeful and worry-free. I am surrounded by light. My complexion is brighter. Life has returned to my eyes-I can feel it. My heart is full, my shoulders; empty. The weight has been lifted, and there is a sense of freedom in my soul like I haven't felt in ages.

-V. O'Neel

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Author's Note: I finished writing this [very short] entry, and I was disappointed to realize I was already thinking; so how long until something ruins it... Bad! I immediately dismissed this thought as rubbish. I have decided that this is going to be my new normal. No reason for me to continue to live my life bogged down by my past and all of its burdens.

Songs:

"Love Today" Mika

"La la la" LMFAO (can you believe they named their band that?)

"Feeling Good" Muse

"Something's Coming" Westside Story [love]

Nostalgia

I was going through some old things today, when I found my red notebook. It's just this random, cheap, spiral notebook which traveled with me all throughout my three years in Texas. On the front cover is my favorite e.e. cummings poem "i carry your heart", and the inside contains grocery lists, a few journal entries, and some lyrics and poetry haphazardly scrawled in margins and sideways on pages with doodles surrounding. I kept a journal separate from this one, but for some reason or another I always had it laying around. The first page was written in December of 2005, and it's just two pages of me complaining that it's hard living in a new state and all my friends from high school are growing up and moving on with "boyfriends, and stuff". Later, in May 2007, there's an entry describing how I don't think my boyfriend "likes" me anymore and how afraid I am that I've fallen completely. My how things can change from year to year.

As I read through the amateur poems that follow, it brings tears to my eyes. Not because I miss my old boyfriend, which I am certain a part of me always will, but because it gives me hope. I believe that a broken heart will heal stronger than it was before. And statistically speaking, persons who have found love once are far more likely to love again than those who have never taken the chance. I know there will always be a place for this man in my heart, for he has meant more to me than I ever imagined one person could. I do know, however, that I have plenty of time ahead of me; time to learn and time to find love. I have labelled myself in the past as a hopefull romantic, so in the spirit of both sentimentality and hope for the future, I would like to share one of these re-discovered poems.

My Perfect Mess (circa May 2007)

a sweet contradiction
of joy and sorrow
pain and pleasure
the answer i seek
evades me
close enough to touch
but always just out of reach
i've fallen without falling
i don't know how i got here
but i never want to leave.

-V.O'Neel age 19 almost 20 =)
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i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
not fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings
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Mine kind of pales in comparison, huh? =)
-V.O'Neel age 22 (almost 22 & a half!)

Songs:

"Comfortable" John Mayer

"Crazy" Seal

Positivity, Schmositivity.

I want to explain something.

I work for a polling company. It's an okay job, but that has nothing to do with this blog. The reason I bring it up at all, is that when you are hired they give you a personality test which determines what your "strengths" are. My Top 5 are as follows:

1. Strategic
2. Woo (Winning Others Over)
3. Communication
4. Empathy
5. Positivity

I'd like to focus on top strength 5, Positivity. According to the personality profile, people with Positivity can find the upside to any given situation. I would agree that I can definitely see the bright side to a seemingly negative experience, but I'm not sure this is always a healthy thing. These past few years have been kinda rough for me, not that I'm complaining, because I truly am blessed and have been given a lot of opportunity in my life. I am grateful for the things I take for granted, especially living in a country where I'm free to do pretty much whatever I want. But every now and again I can't help but whine and complain. A little bitching is good for the soul sometimes, I think.

Getting back to the Positivity thing; I have been telling myself that "it will be okay" for a long time now. I tell myself that the person who constantly hurts me will change and will love me the way I love him. I tell myself that one of these days I will wake up not miss him anymore. That someone new will come along and pull me out of my slump, and make it all better.

I've decided that thinking positively is not the issue, it's a great trait to have, and I am glad for it. I handle crises well. I am always the first person to jump in with a kind word when a friend is going through a difficult situation, I am full of advice. People know they can count on me, and it feels good to be needed. The issue, however, is that there is a difference between thinking positively, and acting on it. I can tell myself it will be okay, or I can make it okay. Make me okay.

I'm done letting my need to "think positive", stop me from seeing things for what they are. He's never going to change. I am never going to be "that girl". He will always need me when times are tough and I will always get him through, and he will always move onto someone new just as soon as he is semi-stable again. Unless I change things. I have control over my life, and I am constantly turning it over to someone else. No more. I'm tired of feeling ambition welling up inside me, strength to go after my dreams, when my actions are weak. Unhealthy patterns repeat themselves, and I am stuck in a parasitic cycle of needing to be needed, it's sucking the life out of me.

Even as I read the words as I am typing them, I am disgusted. I was not raised to be this co-dependent weakling of a person. My ability to empathize and relate should be a blessing, not hindrance. I want love to be something that sets me free, not keeps me anchored in the past. I have a lot to give, I want to help people. I want to smile, and mean it. I want to breathe deeply without it catching. I want to hear his voice without a shiver. I want to look in the mirror and be pleased, proud. I want to travel and see and do. I want to laugh often, and without holding back. I want a lot of things, and I think it's past time I started going after them.
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"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
-Henry David Thoreau

Songs:
"Fireflies" Owl City
"Best I Ever Had" Vertical Horizon

It's all in the game

So my beloved Nebraska Cornhuskers lost today with a heart-breaking turnover in in the final minutes of the 4th quarter. We had been leading for the entire 2nd half, 12-10, then 15-10. It doesn't sound like we were doing well, but we really were! Defense was looking good, 2 of our players broke University and personal best records, it was a good game and we thought we had 'em. And then out of nowhere, in one play, we hesitated, got confident, and that darn Hokie offense snuck a TD. Game over. We lost by 1. ONE!!!

Okay, cheesy part where I relate a life to a football game: (You KNEW it was coming!)

Lately I find myself battling the same situation; I think I have my life under control and I can relax for a little while and just coast, the universe throws a wrench into the gears of my perfectly functioning life. Whether its a chance bout with the dreaded death-flu, or an equally infuriating flat tire, life sure has a way of messing with me. Some things are preventable, to a certain extent. I can wash my hands obsessively and shun my sneezing co-workers, but eventually I'm going to catch a cold. I can check the pressure on my tires and drive carefully, but I can't stop the parking lot of the Sonic Drive-Thru from having a jagged, tire-eating crack on my way to work. All for the sake of a diet Coke with lemon.

I have decided to accept these inevitable small losses as a part of life, but in no way does that mean I am admitting defeat. Certain weeks may get the best of me, I will fall to my opponent every now and then, but there are still plenty of games left in the season, and I'm ready to play. As long as I am able to shake off the day at the end of it, and keep my goals in mind, I know I will be successful in my endeavors.

Go Team!

-V.O'Neel
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Photograph edited using www.picnik.com by the author of this blog (that's me).
=)

Songs:
"It's all in the game" Johnny Mathis
"That's just the way it is" Tupac