Patience is a virtue...[babble before breakfast]

Patience is not something that is traditionally valued in our culture. Mine is the instant gratification generation. We want the best, and we want it now. I can Tivo my favorite television programs if I don't feel like waiting through the commercials, and if I don't feel like waiting until I get home, I can always watch it on Hulu.

I am not a patient person. As horrible as it sounds, if something doesn't come easily to me, I don't usually stick with it. In my life growing up, I thought I was hard-working. I now know this to be false. The things I devoted my time to, are the things I have always been naturally gifted in, and in which I have had to put forth minimal effort to succeed. School was the easiest thing ever for me with the exception of mathematics, a subject I always ended up sliding by in, usually by winning the teacher over with my dazzling personality and/or flirting with the cute(ish), smart guy sitting next to me and having him "help" me.

Music has been one of the most influential forces in my life since before I can remember, but I know that I've never had to work very hard, or at all, to be successful. Everything I wanted, I got. Everything I tried out for, I made. I sometimes can't believe I had the nerve to audition for All State (choir) by basically sight-reading the music. I am very grateful for my talent and that that which I'm passionate about is an area I have natural ability in, but there's something to be said for work ethic. And patience.

I am impatient in relationships. I want people to be up front and honest, and to stick to their word, 'final answer?' style. I don't have the time for character flaws, or to deal with my own. I want to know the past, present, and plans for the future, so I can make a timely decision on whether the relationship is worth pursuing or devoting energy and emotion to. It sounds cold, but I assure you, I'm not. This might be the only calculating, "rational" thought process I employ, as most of my actions are based in emotion, not logic. I think this pro and con list approach is my defense mechanism of choice; needing to see a situation from every single possible angle so I am never fully surprised or disappointed at any given outcome. Healthy? Perhaps not. But it works, for the most part.

So, here's what I'm learning, folks:

Patience is good.

Waiting is good for me, it breeds character. It's healthy to not always get what I want, when and how I want it. Sometimes, what I think I want, I am not ready for. God is a much better judge of my readiness, than I. In my most uncertain times, I learn the most.

Case in point: my current relationship. In the beginning, all he asked me for was time. Time for him to see things from my point of view, and for me to try and understand where he was coming from as well. We were raised in the same city, but in two entirely different worlds. We are so not two peas, but the really great thing, is that we're getting there. This morning, we had an extended conversation about a not so glorious story from my past. Instead of hearing my words and making up a version of the story in his mind, with his spin on it, he listened to me. It really helped put a lot of things in perspective for us. There was an issue in the beginning of our relationship that feels very resolved now, and I am more confident now now than ever, that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Long story even longer, sometimes when I am patient, even begrudgingly, I get what I truly want, just not in the way I thought it would turn out.

Did that seem a little ambiguous and confusing? I'm sorry if it did, but I would like to respect his privacy (kinda), and quite honestly, I think I'm going to be done typing now and go great ready to have a little brunch with my man. Just know that I'm happy, he's happy, and Penny the puggle is cuter than ever.

That's all for now, friends. Have a great Sunday, be blessed!

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Songs:

"Patience" Guns n Roses

"Right Here Waiting" Staind

See? Sometimes if we are PATIENT we get something even better than what we originally had in mind =)

Oh, The Temptation from Steve V on Vimeo.

photo: Just a shadow on the wall, thought it was cool, posted it to Blogger. That's all.

my heart is spoken for.

(A reminder)

I have been such a fool. I have worried, stressed, cried, and broken down more in the last few years than I have in my entire 22 years of existence put together. Why? Because of a relationship, which I allowed to consume me. I have always been extremely compassionate and am no stranger to love; I love my friends with everything I have. But this was different. This man walked through my door, introduced himself, and I was smitten by a pair deep brown eyes. Plus, he was tall, dark, and handsome and smelled nice, but I digress.

Relationships have a funny way of changing the way you view absolutely everything, don't they? Over the past few years I have fluctuated between feeling more confident and happy than ever before, and hitting the lowest of my lows with astounding speed. I am not saying this is healthy by any means, but that's just the way it's been. So this time, I'm fairly certain that the cycle of insanity is over once and for all. What I'm not sure certain about, is why exactly I have been so distressed over the whole thing. I think I lost myself in the we're-in-love-and-we-like-to-kiss-a-lot-and-stuff thing, and threw out some very valuable pieces of information.

First, not everything is going to make sense. One of my biggest issues over the past year has been confusion. The "whys". Why does he mean so much to me? There is a lot of humanity on this earth, and I chose him. Why doesn't he tell me how he feels until it's too late? Why didn't it work? Why do we always find our way back to one another? Why can't we just be friends? Why is it that when I am completely content with things, some mystical force come in and messes with everything? Why, why, why, it's enough already. I am never going to be able to comprehend all the reasons for why things happened the way they did, all that matters is that they did.

More importantly, this heart was never mine to give. My faith used to sustain me. As of late, it has mostly served as a mechanism of guilt, a slap on the wrist of my past. Plenty of time has passed, and I am still terrified of moving on. Afraid of giving my heart to the wrong person, petrified of having it broken again. I have been putting my heart in the hands of a man, and then am somehow surprised when he lets me down? How many Sunday School bible verses could I quote about that? I should have known better, and I do know better. My faith needs to be in my God first, my heart should be in His hands. He will never break my heart, He will never fail me. I will fail, and I will stumble and fall, but it's okay because, He's got me.

This is not a declaration of how horrible my ex is. He's flawed; human. He's also wonderfully gifted and at times, has made me happier than I thought possible. This is not a declaration of defeat; I am not giving up on finding my somebody in this life. What I am giving up, is the worry. I'm taking my burdens and sending them up to someone stronger and more capable than I. And as I draw closer to my God, I know I will be healed. The hurt I have carried for so long, the blame I have accepted, the failures looming over my head, will all be washed away. I am so blessed. I don't have to worry about finding a "soul mate", I don't have to worry at all. I can rest assured that my heart has found its home. Sometimes, I need to remember just how much I am loved.

-V.O'Neel
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Songs:
"Spoken For" MercyMe
"Fix You" Coldplay
"Hold Me Now" Kirk Franklin

Positivity, Schmositivity.

I want to explain something.

I work for a polling company. It's an okay job, but that has nothing to do with this blog. The reason I bring it up at all, is that when you are hired they give you a personality test which determines what your "strengths" are. My Top 5 are as follows:

1. Strategic
2. Woo (Winning Others Over)
3. Communication
4. Empathy
5. Positivity

I'd like to focus on top strength 5, Positivity. According to the personality profile, people with Positivity can find the upside to any given situation. I would agree that I can definitely see the bright side to a seemingly negative experience, but I'm not sure this is always a healthy thing. These past few years have been kinda rough for me, not that I'm complaining, because I truly am blessed and have been given a lot of opportunity in my life. I am grateful for the things I take for granted, especially living in a country where I'm free to do pretty much whatever I want. But every now and again I can't help but whine and complain. A little bitching is good for the soul sometimes, I think.

Getting back to the Positivity thing; I have been telling myself that "it will be okay" for a long time now. I tell myself that the person who constantly hurts me will change and will love me the way I love him. I tell myself that one of these days I will wake up not miss him anymore. That someone new will come along and pull me out of my slump, and make it all better.

I've decided that thinking positively is not the issue, it's a great trait to have, and I am glad for it. I handle crises well. I am always the first person to jump in with a kind word when a friend is going through a difficult situation, I am full of advice. People know they can count on me, and it feels good to be needed. The issue, however, is that there is a difference between thinking positively, and acting on it. I can tell myself it will be okay, or I can make it okay. Make me okay.

I'm done letting my need to "think positive", stop me from seeing things for what they are. He's never going to change. I am never going to be "that girl". He will always need me when times are tough and I will always get him through, and he will always move onto someone new just as soon as he is semi-stable again. Unless I change things. I have control over my life, and I am constantly turning it over to someone else. No more. I'm tired of feeling ambition welling up inside me, strength to go after my dreams, when my actions are weak. Unhealthy patterns repeat themselves, and I am stuck in a parasitic cycle of needing to be needed, it's sucking the life out of me.

Even as I read the words as I am typing them, I am disgusted. I was not raised to be this co-dependent weakling of a person. My ability to empathize and relate should be a blessing, not hindrance. I want love to be something that sets me free, not keeps me anchored in the past. I have a lot to give, I want to help people. I want to smile, and mean it. I want to breathe deeply without it catching. I want to hear his voice without a shiver. I want to look in the mirror and be pleased, proud. I want to travel and see and do. I want to laugh often, and without holding back. I want a lot of things, and I think it's past time I started going after them.
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"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
-Henry David Thoreau

Songs:
"Fireflies" Owl City
"Best I Ever Had" Vertical Horizon

It's a Sin To Tell a Lie...

Answering a prompt from @writing_prompts on Twitter:
"When was the last time you lied and why?"

What immediately comes to mind:

the lyrics to "It's a Sin To Tell a Lie" from Ain't Misbehavin'

Be sure it's true when you say

"I love you"

It's a sin to tell a lie

Millions of hearts have been broken

Just because these words were spoken

I love you

Yes I do

I love you

If you break my heart I'll die

So be sure that it's true when you say

"I love you"

It's a sin to tell a lie

Of course. My brain would go straight to a Broadway show. =) Okay; here goes.

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The last lie I told was not to a friend. It was not to a coworker, family member, or to the one I love. The last lie I told was to myself. As women, I think we lie to ourselves more than we realize, or admit. From trivial, vain lies such as; I can't eat this brownie because I'll automatically gain five pounds and everyone will think poorly of me! (or conversely; I can just skip my morning workout today, I'll make up for it tomorrow) to more important lies such as; He'll change, I just have to give it time. I am guilty of all of the above, and then some!

I am currently involved in a self-woven web of lies. Centering around, of course, a guy. Not really a guy, the guy. The same guy who has been both the love in my life and the bane of my existence for the past few years. Seems longer. The relationship started out easy enough. We were both liars, convincing ourselves (and each other) that we were ready to be together. In truth, neither of us were fit to be with anyone-both lost in internal worlds of hurt for vastly different reasons.

And now, after almost three years and countless memories, kisses, fights, break-ups, reunions, car rides, and phone calls later, I've become ensnared in a trap of my own design. My mind is so full of lies that I'm unable to tell fact from fiction. I've made innumerable broken promises to myself, vowing that this, truly, will be the last time. The last time I allow myself to be pierced by the arrows of duplicity and mistrust. Lie. I don't want to venture a guess on how many times I've broken that contract.

Even statements of emotion are hazy. Do I love you? Okay yes, but in what way? At this point, we've played every roll in the human spectrum in each other's lives. He has been my love, best friend, counselor, and at times, my adversary and the wrecker of my heart. I have been to him the same. Do YOU love ME? I haven't a clue. Lie. I know the answer, but sometimes loving someone isn't enough. Life is full of seemingly more important matters than that of the heart.

Lies, lies, lies. I have grown tired of lies. I understand that there are certain necessary evils in this world, but lying to oneself should NOT be among them. Sure, I'll tell my co-worker that her horrendous new haircut looks cute on her, but I refuse to play a game of deceit within my own mind. That sounds slightly unhinged, doesn't it? It is time that my habitual abuse of the 9th Commandment ends. Today I will put down the brownie, tie my running shoes, delete the unsent text messages, and focus on what is true. I have decisions to make and goals to achieve. Nothing will weaken my resolve.