Shine a little light

I feel that I have been living under a little bit of a rain cloud as of late.

 For the most part, I am blessed with a great family, supportive co-workers, fun friends and a man I love very much. Over the past month or so, however, I have allowed myself to be caught up in negativity. Here's what I'm learning;

As we age, our life experiences shape us. Up to a certain point, we are who we have been raised to be. The timing is different for everyone, but I believe there comes a moment when each person becomes aware of the flaws of their upbringing. Then there is a choice to be made. You can either accept things the way they are and always have been and continue along the beaten path, or do something a little fearless. You can change. Appreciate the past for what it was, a lesson in life, and strike out on your own. 

I'd like to write a bit about marriage. (Have I lost my audience yet?) I find few positive paintings of marriage in western culture. Tabloids are filled with pages of cheating starlets and 72 hour celebrity marriages, Primetime is wrought with sit-coms chronicling frustrated wives and their foolish husbands as they navigate their way through the life they've resigned themselves to. Maybe it's just the recession talking, but it seems to me that making the best of it is the name of the game these days. 

How did we get here? Television programs like The Bachelor (and many others like it) draw millions of viewers but same-sex unions between people who actually know and love one another are destroying the sanctity of marriage? Really? Something about that just doesn't vibe with me. Call me old fashioned, but I don't want to 'win' the man of my dreams by being the final contestant on a reality show. I'll keep my fairy tales. 

I was raised to believe in marriage. My parents have been married for 30 years and in all that time, I can remember only witnessing one major argument. It was about money and it was the first time I'd ever heard a profane word come out of my father's mouth. My family is not necessarily wealthy, but we've always had enough. I'd never wanted for anything, mostly because I was raised to be grateful for what I have and to place my value not in material possessions, but elsewhere. Faith in God is and always has been the cornerstone of my family. It was obnoxious at times, because I couldn't tattle on my little sister without being reminded never to "create strife", but I am thankful beyond words to have been raised to know the meaning of true, agape, love. 

I am not into the idea of needing a person to complete me. I have a God who loves me and did not make me with a few missing pieces. I am an ever changing, living, breathing example of His grace and compassion. My life has a purpose, just as all do. When I find myself fearing that my life without my boyfriend would be empty, it's a reality check for me. I am not where I need to be in my walk with the Lord. Relationships shouldn't define us, they should bless and edify our lives. If I am hit by a bus tomorrow, I would hate to think that I would be remembered only by titles via my Facebook profile; Teacher, Singer, Blogger, Josh's Girlfriend. Yikes! These things are amazing, important parts of my life, but they are not my sole purpose and motivation for living.

My goal should be to live in such a way that people are pointed to Him by the love pouring out of me. I don't want to be preachy, because I don't think that is what we are called to be. Somehow, "Go and spread the Good News.." has turned into shoving religion down people's throats or ostracizing them for thinking differently. Whatever happened to leading by example? 

With each passing year, I find myself a little less the hopeful romantic I claim to be. I struggle with a need to know. I overanalyze things and people which robs me of the joy and surprise of learning something new. Nothing seems natural anymore. It takes courage and faith to release oneself from the worry of tomorrow and focus on the blessings of today...I fear I'm lacking both.

Instead of letting ourselves be bogged down by the flaws and failures of the world, my wish is to focus on that which is good and perfect. I believe in the healing power of love and of music, because it is Love that saved me and continues to sustain me, even in my most cynical and darkest of moments. Each day is a precious gift, and I long to spend the remainder of mine surrounded by the ones for which my very heart beats. 

Maybe it's the daydreamer in me who wishes to think only on the positive. Instead of the constant panic of the nonsense of this world. I feel homesick, and I look forward to the day when our time on earth with all make sense. I am certain of one thing; there is meaning it all, each heartbreak, each burned bridge, each moment of laughter at a favorite song heard on the radio and the list goes on. Although society is wrought with addiction, deceit and divorce, doesn't mean there is a place in my future for any of those. Life is what you make it. Really.

& here's the quote that began this entire rambling:

"Marriage is not a ritual or an end. It is a long, intricate, intimate dance together and nothing matters more than your own sense of balance and your choice of partner."
- Amy Bloom

...I think that about sums it up. =)

xoxo,

V
---------------------------
Songs:
"Out of Nowhere" Miles Davis
"Across the Stars" (Love Theme from Star Wars: Attack of the Clones) John Williams
"With or Without You" Vitamin String Quartet
"Butterflies & Hurricanes" Muse
"Today" Joshua Radin
"Time" Billy Porter

He is risen, indeed.

Every day is a chance to start anew. Just because I've failed in the past, doesn't make me a hypocrite for recognizing flaws in the morality of my generation and striving for something more. We have been offered Grace, whether or not we choose to accept Him is up to us. I want to be set apart, not in the aggressive, elitist manner exhibited by many "christians", but separated from fear and pride; I want a heart which seeks to point people to my God through actions more than word. This is my plea and the cry of my heart from the bottom of a soul desperately in need of saving. We are blessed beyond blessed, whether we realize it or not.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Affirmation: Forget Fear

It is so good to have a God like mine. When my restless spirit keeps me from sleep, He has given his Word to calm me. I needed this verse tonight. The death of this world holds no threat for me; heaven is my home & not here. I can sleep soundly knowing that I am well cared for and loved beyond measure. I am so richly blessed.

"For GOD HAS not given us THE spirit of fear; but of POWER, and of love, and of a sound mind."

-2 Timothy 1:7

xoxo,

V

Sometimes I'd like to fall asleep for a month or two... or ten.

...but this man, he holds my heart in his strong hands.

He has given back my smile.

He wipes black tears from my eyes and kisses my forehead.

He says I'm stronger, better, for it all.

He carries me,

and the more I lean, the more I learn,

I can stand on my own.*

He's my little bit of You in this world,

always lifting my chin up, to see Your face.

He points me to You when I'm lost in chaos at my own hand.

He whispers blessings in my ear,

I can hear Your heart in the words of his prayer.

What right have I to give anything but gratitude?

Yet, my lips form only apologies.

Faith with no foundation is ignorance,

but knowledge without practice is fruitless.

The wisdom in my head is proving to be useless.

Let my roots grow deep.

Help me to see the path that you intend for me,

and to walk it with faith and trust,

forgetting selfish fear and doubt.

Please lift this cloud of regret from my mind,

I've tried to clear it on my own, without success.

It overtakes me and I am not myself.

Set me free from the lingerings of my past.

Wash me clean.

--------------------------------------

*First stanza from previous post.

Read full post: "Better"

Songs:

"Lead me" Sanctus Real

Bring on the electroshock therapy!

Gotta love the Doctor's office.

Okay, so I'm not exactly going to have my brain zapped or anything...but I am having an EMG next Friday. They're just gonna hook me up and send some "painless" electric pulses up my left arm to see how the neurons in my brain deal with them. See, I've been having some weakness in my left arm and hand lately, and as my Doc said this morning; "That's weird." She was very reassuring, informing me that I didn't have a stroke, and I "probably" don't have M.S. At this point, we're going with a diagnosis of a pinched nerve, but because it's been going on since football season...better safe than sorry.

I have to admit, I was a little worried in the waiting room this morning. My aunt was recently diagnosed with M.S. and I have a cousin who has had strokes due to side effects of birth control. Also, doctor's offices in general just kinda freak me out. I pulled out my Bible and turned to my favorite verse, Joshua 1:9. I read the familiar story of Joshua and the Israelites, and how God provided for them and kept them safe, giving them courage and strength in the face of obstacles that are much more serious than anything I have ever experienced.

I am so blessed to live my life surrounded by people who love and support me, and to feel the warmth of God's love for me, daily. He does not want me to live my life in a cloud of fear and worry. He wants me to have peace and be calm, secure in the knowledge that I am well cared for.

Happy Wednesday, everybody! Only two more days till it's time to T.G.I.F!

-V

---------------------------------------------

Songs:

"The Element Song" Tom Lehrer

"Free Fallin" Tom Petty

He is risen indeed!

He was pierced for our transgressions

He was crushed for our iniquities

The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him

& by His wounds we are healed.

-Isaiah 53:5

Happy Easter Sunday, everyone!

...Or as my co-worker interestingly put it, "Zombie Jesus Day". I have to admit, I chuckled, but let me just say, I am exceedingly grateful that I worship a risen Lord, not an egg delivering rabbit, and certainly not a zombie. His mercies never end and never fail to amaze me. I have been so blessed in my life, and I am working on being more mindful of the grace that is shown to me daily.

In other news, or I should say; In Vanessa always talks about her relationship news...Josh is meeting my (extended) family today! Maybe that's why I'm still awake...I'm so excited =-) Joshua is with his church on a camping trip, that's how they celebrate Easter, and when he gets back we will be headed to my Grandma's for prime rib (or chicken, for me). I'm not nervous at all, because I know my family will adore him. I adore him. I've been missing him for the past couple days while he's been away, and I just can't wait to see him, smooch him, and show him off!

All I need in my Easter basket this year is a hug from Joshua, time with my family, and good food at Grandma's. Okay, and maybe a couple Reese's peanut butter eggs. Just sayin'.

-V

c-c-c-COURAGE.

Well, folks, today's the day.

Freakin' finally!

Bring on the latex gloves, microscopes and needles.

"Have I not commanded you? Be STRONG and COURAGEOUS. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

-Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

-V

---------------------------

Songs:

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" Bobby McFerrin

Photo: from the Wizard of Oz

This I Believe

For my Composition class, I was asked to read articles from the National Public Radio's recurring segment, This I Believe. 'This I Believe' is based on a 1950's radio program which gave celebrities and average joes alike, the opportunity to share their opinions and life experiences. I poured over essays written by Helen Keller, Eleanor Roosevelt, Harry Truman, and many others. Then, I came across a sentiment which struck a chord with me;

"I believe in the human race. I believe in the warm heart. I believe in man’s integrity. I believe in the goodness of a free society. And I believe that the society can remain good only as long as we are willing to fight for it—and to fight against whatever imperfections may exist."

-Jackie Robinson

from his essay,

"Free Minds and Hearts at Work"

These powerful words got me thinking; What do I believe? I believe in God, yes, but not everyone can relate to faith in a Christian God. Everyone has their own interpretation of what 'faith' means to them. Certainly though, there is a belief or idea that is universal, something we can all share, regardless of denomination, race or gender. I mulled the idea over in my head and, as I usually do to pass the time, I opened my playlist and pressed shuffle. Then it hit me. I'd like to say I had an epiphany, but it was more of a 'duh' than an 'Aha' moment.

I believe in Music.

I believe in the power of music to heal. I have witnessed firsthand the ability of an instrument or song to give meaning to a feeling or situation, when spoken word can not. When I was going to college in Texas, I worked with a six year old boy, Malik, who was autistic. It was a daily struggle to get him to make eye contact, speak, or connect with me, and also with his fellow classmates. Malik would throw tantrums and scream for hours on end, simply because he was trying desperately to communicate to me what he needed or wanted or felt, but his efforts were lost in translation. When his frustration would give way to physical fits of throwing things and hitting me, I would have to restrain him to keep him from hurting himself or others.

On one particular day, his tantrum had lasted well over the hour mark and I was becoming exhausted, I was almost in tears and had nearly run out of ideas of how to calm him. To this day, I don't know where the idea came from but I started humming 'Amazing Grace'. He immediately quieted. It was then I realized the power of music to bring people together. Although I couldn't understand what he was trying to tell me, and he couldn't understand that I was just trying to calm him, we both understood music. We both knew the comfort of the familiar tune, and each of us had positive memories tied to it.

I believe that the people of this earth are more alike than we are different. Listen, I'm not saying that music is the healing force that will end the wars and bring about peace on earth. I'm not saying that all differences are resolvable and if we just hold hands and sway, singing together in four-part harmonies, there would be no conflict. I simply believe that if we all focus on the simple things in life that bind us together, the shared experiences, it would be a lot easier to relate to one another. Instead of focusing on the differences which may frighten or concern us, I believe we should fix our gaze on the similarities all tenants of our planet share.

-V.O'Neel

-----------------------------------------------------

Songs:

"Over the Rainbow" Iz Kamakawiwo'ole

"I Believe" Blessid Union of Souls

photo credit: www.greenoptions.com

Stronger.

Let's go to church for a second, k?

Today, I was having brunch with a dear friend from high school, who now lives in Florida with her husband. We began to discuss what we've been doing over the past four years, how we can't believe that many of our friends have graduated and moved onto 'big kid' jobs in the real world, while we are both struggling to get our Bachelor's before we start going gray. We traded lists of friends who've had children, friends who've moved away, just the typical girl stuff. She asked me about my three years in Texas, and who I had dated while I lived there. Oh my. I gave her the extremely condensed version, and we moved on to stories of her wedding and the clash between her new Hubby and her Mother.

And then we began to talk about faith.

She shared with me how she had recently "found [her] faith" in Florida. I shared with her how I nearly lost mine in Texas. We both agreed upon one thing. It is such a blessing to have a God like ours. Now, I have some issues in my past, but it's nothing too terrible. Overall, I have been very blessed and I would be a better person to remember these blessings more often. There was a time in my life that I was severely depressed and constantly considered giving up. I sometimes would find myself thinking about death, not in a suicidal way, but in a very apathetic manner. I didn't want to die, I just didn't necessarily care if I did. I sometimes thought it would be fine with me if I was involved in some sort of tragic accident, because I truly did not see another way of finding relief from the darkness haunting me.

I sat across the table from my friend, sipping ice water and orange juice, and recalling the many opportunities the Holy Spirit had given me that I pushed away, or rather, ran away from. Whether it was a convicting song on the radio which I immediately switched off, or my father asking me, pleading with me through tears, to tell him what was wrong; I denied it. I was given chance after chance to bring my troubles to God and accept the healing which only He can offer, and I responded by closing my eyes and heart, and retreating into myself. It was then I realized something, a lesson I'm certain I have already learned.

I have been so wrong. Who am I to think that I can handle troubles on my own? Thinking I need only forgive myself for the mistakes in my past, and absolve myself by doing good deeds to make up for my actions? One of my favorite hymns reminds us;

"O, what peace we often forfeit,

O, what a needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry,

Everything to God in prayer."

I was humbled. How many times have I stood in church and heard the message, listening to my Pastor ask anyone with a burdened heart to come forward and receive prayer? How many times did I ignore the call of my heart, deciding that I was going to do this on my own. I have taken on such worry and stress over my best friend, sister, and certainly over my ex, fretting over their bad decisions and trying to 'fix' them. I have had myself so convinced that they need me; that it is my job to prove to this man that I will always be there for him and never fail him, that it is my place to prevent my sister and best friend from repeating my missteps and to keep them from harm.

How arrogant of me to think that I have the power to bring about change or salvation in the heart of a man? Who do I think I am, the savior of my friends and family? It is my duty to lift up the ones I love in prayer, and to be a witness to them- not a savior. How many burdens have I carried around on my shoulders, weighing me down, poisoning me, when I could give them up to my God. My God is stronger than the demons of my past. My God is stronger than the pain of my broken heart.

My God is stronger.


-V. O'Neel
-------------------------------------------------------
Songs:
"Remember When it Rained" Josh Groban

my heart is spoken for.

(A reminder)

I have been such a fool. I have worried, stressed, cried, and broken down more in the last few years than I have in my entire 22 years of existence put together. Why? Because of a relationship, which I allowed to consume me. I have always been extremely compassionate and am no stranger to love; I love my friends with everything I have. But this was different. This man walked through my door, introduced himself, and I was smitten by a pair deep brown eyes. Plus, he was tall, dark, and handsome and smelled nice, but I digress.

Relationships have a funny way of changing the way you view absolutely everything, don't they? Over the past few years I have fluctuated between feeling more confident and happy than ever before, and hitting the lowest of my lows with astounding speed. I am not saying this is healthy by any means, but that's just the way it's been. So this time, I'm fairly certain that the cycle of insanity is over once and for all. What I'm not sure certain about, is why exactly I have been so distressed over the whole thing. I think I lost myself in the we're-in-love-and-we-like-to-kiss-a-lot-and-stuff thing, and threw out some very valuable pieces of information.

First, not everything is going to make sense. One of my biggest issues over the past year has been confusion. The "whys". Why does he mean so much to me? There is a lot of humanity on this earth, and I chose him. Why doesn't he tell me how he feels until it's too late? Why didn't it work? Why do we always find our way back to one another? Why can't we just be friends? Why is it that when I am completely content with things, some mystical force come in and messes with everything? Why, why, why, it's enough already. I am never going to be able to comprehend all the reasons for why things happened the way they did, all that matters is that they did.

More importantly, this heart was never mine to give. My faith used to sustain me. As of late, it has mostly served as a mechanism of guilt, a slap on the wrist of my past. Plenty of time has passed, and I am still terrified of moving on. Afraid of giving my heart to the wrong person, petrified of having it broken again. I have been putting my heart in the hands of a man, and then am somehow surprised when he lets me down? How many Sunday School bible verses could I quote about that? I should have known better, and I do know better. My faith needs to be in my God first, my heart should be in His hands. He will never break my heart, He will never fail me. I will fail, and I will stumble and fall, but it's okay because, He's got me.

This is not a declaration of how horrible my ex is. He's flawed; human. He's also wonderfully gifted and at times, has made me happier than I thought possible. This is not a declaration of defeat; I am not giving up on finding my somebody in this life. What I am giving up, is the worry. I'm taking my burdens and sending them up to someone stronger and more capable than I. And as I draw closer to my God, I know I will be healed. The hurt I have carried for so long, the blame I have accepted, the failures looming over my head, will all be washed away. I am so blessed. I don't have to worry about finding a "soul mate", I don't have to worry at all. I can rest assured that my heart has found its home. Sometimes, I need to remember just how much I am loved.

-V.O'Neel
--------------------------------------
Songs:
"Spoken For" MercyMe
"Fix You" Coldplay
"Hold Me Now" Kirk Franklin