Friday, August 21, 2009

It's a Sin To Tell a Lie...

Answering a prompt from @writing_prompts on Twitter:
"When was the last time you lied and why?"

What immediately comes to mind:
the lyrics to "It's a Sin To Tell a Lie" from Ain't Misbehavin'
Be sure it's true when you say
"I love you"
It's a sin to tell a lie
Millions of hearts have been broken
Just because these words were spoken
I love you
Yes I do
I love you
If you break my heart I'll die
So be sure that it's true when you say
"I love you"
It's a sin to tell a lie
Of course. My brain would go straight to a Broadway show. =) Okay; here goes.
----------------------------------------------------
The last lie I told was not to a friend. It was not to a coworker, family member, or to the one I love. The last lie I told was to myself. As women, I think we lie to ourselves more than we realize, or admit. From trivial, vain lies such as; I can't eat this brownie because I'll automatically gain five pounds and everyone will think poorly of me! (or conversely; I can just skip my morning workout today, I'll make up for it tomorrow) to more important lies such as; He'll change, I just have to give it time. I am guilty of all of the above, and then some!

I am currently involved in a self-woven web of lies. Centering around, of course, a guy. Not really a guy, the guy. The same guy who has been both the love in my life and the bane of my existence for the past few years. Seems longer. The relationship started out easy enough. We were both liars, convincing ourselves (and each other) that we were ready to be together. In truth, neither of us were fit to be with anyone-both lost in internal worlds of hurt for vastly different reasons.

And now, after almost three years and countless memories, kisses, fights, break-ups, reunions, car rides, and phone calls later, I've become ensnared in a trap of my own design. My mind is so full of lies that I'm unable to tell fact from fiction. I've made innumerable broken promises to myself, vowing that this, truly, will be the last time. The last time I allow myself to be pierced by the arrows of duplicity and mistrust. Lie. I don't want to venture a guess on how many times I've broken that contract.

Even statements of emotion are hazy. Do I love you? Okay yes, but in what way? At this point, we've played every roll in the human spectrum in each other's lives. He has been my love, best friend, counselor, and at times, my adversary and the wrecker of my heart. I have been to him the same. Do YOU love ME? I haven't a clue. Lie. I know the answer, but sometimes loving someone isn't enough. Life is full of seemingly more important matters than that of the heart.

Lies, lies, lies. I have grown tired of lies. I understand that there are certain necessary evils in this world, but lying to oneself should NOT be among them. Sure, I'll tell my co-worker that her horrendous new haircut looks cute on her, but I refuse to play a game of deceit within my own mind. That sounds slightly unhinged, doesn't it? It is time that my habitual abuse of the 9th Commandment ends. Today I will put down the brownie, tie my running shoes, delete the unsent text messages, and focus on what is true. I have decisions to make and goals to achieve. Nothing will weaken my resolve.

2 comments:

LIZA MARIEL said...

"He has been my love, best friend, counselor, and at times, my adversary and the wrecker of my heart".

I'm agree about your thought. I love your blog, definitely... so I'll follow you :).
I hope you are well and you can visit my blog everytime you want ^^.
Keep on like this!

Anonymous said...

Vanessa-I had NO idea how well you write! I only wish I could write half as elequently as you! Love ya cous and Love will find its way-no lie!
-Jennica-

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