The "mean girl" in me.

I know I have a lot to recap, as *oops* it's been another month since I've graced this lonely little corner of the internet with a fresh post. My apologies. However, instead of telling you about the sweet gifts I received for the [formerly] dreaded Valentine's day or telling you how Uncle Sam redeemed himself in my eyes with a much needed tax refund...I thought I would spend a few minutes while I finish my Guinness to do what Eeyores do best; complain.

I am having a Mean Girl Moment. It happens....oh, say....once a month...when, for some reason, something trivial sets me off. This time around, it's the lurking demon on everyone's bookmark bar...Facebook. Facebook is a wondrously evil invention of my generation, for it allows you to share every meaningless detail of your present while simultaneously making it next to impossible to truly escape your past.

How many Facebook "friends" do you have? I have 620. I just looked it up because, of course, I'm logged on at the moment. 620? Can this really be necessary? The sad thing is that my 620 seems modest compared to some users. If you ask me, this whole social networking thing is getting out of control.

Do we really need to make our friendship "Facebook official" if I met you once at a party 2 years ago and we have 7 friends in common? Sure. Where's the harm in that? My family? Of course, because how would they ever know what's going on with my life without reading it online? What?I'm supposed to pick up my phone and call them? No texting? Unheard of. But here's where it gets tricky; what about the family/friends of your significant other? Okay, it's a nice medium to share photos and stay in touch, but what happens when Josh and I are having a rough patch and I use this lovely little blog to vent about it? The ever informative Facebook links to this blog...it could get dangerous.

All of this rambling leads to this; my current Facebook-fueled issue comes in the form of a girl from Joshua's past. The situation is irrelevant at this time but it is sufficient to say there is a fair amount of bitterness attached to this chick, from all persons involved. (Of course it's mainly coming from me...didn't you read the title?!)

The issue is that after he ended contact with her, by my request, which I have mixed emotions on to this day; she started commenting on his page excessively. Very passive-aggressive. I'm not trying to paint the picture of a stalker a la Glen Close in Fatal Attraction, but just enough to be obnoxious to me and cause a few completely unnecessary argument between the two of us. He asked her to stop more than once, and she apparently couldn't handle the request.

Neither he nor I are "friends" with her anymore but we do have friends in common. So now every time I "comment" on one of their pages, she posts directly after me, without fail. Silly, right? Now, I fully admit I am beyond ridiculous for dedicating an entire post to this. Could I be over exaggerating the situation due to a hormonally enhanced protectiveness over my Joshua? It's probable. I have no illusions of my sanity at the moment. I just thought it better to channel my snarkiness into a post instead of unloading it all onto Josh's shoulders, who at the moment, is kind of being the perfect boyfriend. I love him mucho. I'm over the bitterness. I hate that this petty emotion has crept its way into my relationship and bred resentment between the two of us. Freakin' Facebook.

So, again, for the cheap seats; I am ridiculous. Facebook is ridiculous. And to this chick, may she ever stumble upon this ridiculous little post; it's enough already.

And in the momentarily hilarious words of Charlie Sheen;

"Sizzle! Losing! Bye!"

*Good Lord, I am ashamed of myself for this post. Anyone have a similar ridiculous annoyance to complain about and make me feel like less of a teenager?

xoxo,

V

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Songs:

"Misery Business" Paramore

"Love is the only gold."

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

Happy Valentines day to all the hopeFULL romantics out there.

Good love is definitely worth the wait.

Xoxo,
V

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Not feelin' the love

Fair warning: I feel a rant coming on.

**Joshua...you should maybe skip this post...luv ya!**

Did you know there's this upcoming holiday called Valentine's day? It's a strange day where we gage our affection for one another based on how much stuff we give and receive; expensive dinners, jewelry, chocolates, flowers, the list goes on! Listen, I have a boyfriend whom I love and, in my opinion, an awesome present in mind for him for this year...I'm just worn out already!

I'm just gonna lay it out there; I like stuff. I like things that are shiny and sweet and expensive. What I don't like is being made to feel like a superficial soulless creature for liking the stuff! I also like intimate dinners at home, supermarket flowers, and handwritten love notes in lieu of expensive nights out. The old cliche is true on this one; it really is the thought that counts! The reason why the stereotypical Valentine's day stuff is meaningful is because it is given to you by someone who loves you enough to make the mundane classics seem new and as if the holiday was meant for only the two of you.

...but that's just my opinion.

I am admittedly over stressed right now and most likely somewhere on the bordering-on-a-nervous-breakdown spectrum. Wow. That's not dramatic at all. Listen, for the most part, my life is golden. I have all of my basic needs covered and I am loved and well cared for. I have a tendency to personalize the stress of others and I almost always take work home with me; when you work with children, it's hard not to.

I can tell Joshua is having a hard time right now. There is a lot of pressure placed on his shoulders around the holidays because he is unsure of how to to express his feelings to me in a way that won't disappoint. What he doesn't understand, even after several frustrating conversations, is that nothing he can ever do will be a disappointment to me if I am secure in his love for me. That's the key.

Right now, I'm in a place of knowing but not feeling. It sounds so corny and straight out of an NBC (boo) soap but I really don't know how else to word it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my man loves me. A lot. He loves me more than anyone else he has ever loved before. Trust me, I'm not that cool...he just thinks I am. Isn't that how it should be? The problem as of late is that I'm not really feelin' the love. The translation from head to heart just isn't happening lately, and I'm not sure who/what to blame. Work, health drama, $$$ (or lack thereof), car troubles, Josh, myself, or a poorly timed combination of all the above.

At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter who or what is to blame. I have a feeling that the dreaded V day will come and go and my relationship will remain intact. Things have a way of working out for us, despite my unnecessary thoughts of doom & gloom. I need to do my best to stay positive and focus on the things I can control, like my actions and the love I show to those around me. I need to *kindly* explain what I'm thinking and wanting, instead of expecting my sweet bf to be magically transformed into a freakin' mind reader. My bad.

Babe, if you're still reading this (even though I told you not to), I'm sorry. I love you. Pay no attention to the crazy lady with the computer.

I'll leave you with an only slightly sarcastic,

xoxo,

V

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Songs:

"I need a lover" John Mellencamp

"I'd rather be with you" Joshua Radin

Affirmation: Forget Fear

It is so good to have a God like mine. When my restless spirit keeps me from sleep, He has given his Word to calm me. I needed this verse tonight. The death of this world holds no threat for me; heaven is my home & not here. I can sleep soundly knowing that I am well cared for and loved beyond measure. I am so richly blessed.

"For GOD HAS not given us THE spirit of fear; but of POWER, and of love, and of a sound mind."

-2 Timothy 1:7

xoxo,

V

Mantra of the month: Don't be Eeyore.

So, its been over a month since my last entry. Shame on me. Bad blogger. I have noticed that I am a much more prolific writer about matters of the heart than every day life. I certainly feel much more drawn to the keyboard when I've got something to complain or cry about than when life is good. How obnoxious is that?

This post will be a literary purge of sorts for me, then. For those of you who politely subscribe but don't truly care about all of the minutiae of my life, I'll summarize;

-Happy Birthday, Jesus

-New Year's SUCKED

-2011 is here and now I've got some work to do.

Christmas with the family was great. I love love love my Keurig coffee maker, thoughtfully given to me by my momma (no advertisement implied, I just really like that I can make my coffee one cup at a time rather than wasting an entire pot....but I digress). I received some snuggly pink amazingness from the bf in the form of fuzzy socks (fave!), fluffy robe (love!) and a giftcard to replenish my depleted underwear drawer (helpful safety tip; puppies love underwear...and they will find it no matter what it takes!).

Quite awhile ago I decided that I wanted to gift Joshua with a leather bible this year for Christmas. My mother gave my father his bible on their first Christmas as a couple and I thought it would be a meaningful tradition to continue. At the time, Josh had been using a bible handed down to him by a friend and although the physical appearance of the Word certainly doesn't matter as much as the truth inside, I thought it would be nice for him to carry a bible with his own name on the cover. =)

More than anything, I long for the Bible to be the foundation of my relationship. I want to grow in knowledge and in faith together because I believe it will only draw us closer to one another. Although we met at the same church, Josh and I differ, more than slightly, in our opinions of fellowship and in our knowledge of scripture. I do believe that we are after the same thing, and we can absolutely meet in the middle as long as we are both willing to hold each other accountable.

Fast forward a week and some change to NYE and I am miserably sick. As in, leaving work early and crying to my mom on the phone like a child because I have a 103 degree fever and can barely stay conscious. I rang in the new year with the chills, handfuls of painkillers, a sip at a time of gatorade, and the most caring man I've ever met in my life literally by my bedside. So, that's that.

Welcomed properly or no, the new year is here. I would like 2011 to be a year of change for me. I don't know if it's this below freezing weather (global warming, where are you??) or what, but I find myself growing tired of not-so-small town life here in Nebraska. While I've never been near a farm in my life, I do tire of running into people who have known me since forever and have already formed their opinions of me based on high school labels.

If I'm honest, I don't feel that I am living up to the expectations ascribed to me 5 years ago. Cheerleader. Performer. Honors Student. Scholarship Winner. I'm not sure exactly where I pictured myself half a decade out of high school, but I'm certain it's not here; still an undergrad with a full time job, car on the verge of expiring, and Lord, quite a few extra pounds on my waistline.

Ah! Here I go again, complain, complain, complain. I'm constantly reminding Joshua and MYSELF to not be Eeyore. The sun could be shining and I could still make you a list of the reasons why the rain is on it's way. Silly! Instead of listing the things about my life I would love to change, I want to CHANGE them. Starting now. 50 situps....aaaaand.....go!

XOXO,

V