I'm ready.

One of my favorite things about music, it that it speaks when you can not. There are so many times when a certain situation will render me speechless, and I will turn to my piano or my radio to give me words. I'm sure everyone can relate. If you are a regular reader of my blog; first of all, thank you, and secondly, you know that I chatter quite a bit about relationships and love. I've been trying to put into words how I feel about my past, what I'm experiencing now, and what I hope for my future. Sometimes though, I fail. Enter Billy Joel.

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

For some reason this morning, I felt it was important that I share this with you, my dear reader. I am ready for new. I am ready for new experiences, new people, new challenges, new love. I am ready to open up again, I think I can take it. I am ready to leap into situations unknown, to put my faith in my God and trust that I will land on my feet, or He will catch me. All I can do is keep breathing, place one foot in front of the other, and live my life as best as I can. Will I stumble? Most certainly. I do know however, that eventually I will figure it all out, and I will make sense of this hodgepodge of a life I've got going.

So, what am I looking for? I'm looking for a career in which I feel fulfilled. A job that is more than a job, somewhere I can help. I'm looking for someone who not only accepts me despite my past, but because of it. A person who can love the pieces of my being, and also the completion. For the first time in a long time, I actually have faith that I will obtain all of these things. For the first time in a long time, I truly believe that I deserve them.
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Songs:
"And So it Goes" Billy Joel
"Use Somebody" Kings of Leon
"The Way I Am" Ingrid Michaelson

Too much.

via @writingprompt on twitter:

"her green eyes" [Prompt for 10/06/09]

Too Much

Her green eyes have seen too much.

They have seen the face of her baby brother,
swollen and blue.
Now she wants to take care of him.

They have seen scars.
Scars on the chest of a man with chestnut skin,
Now she wants to heal him.

Her green eyes have lost their sparkle.
They have lost their shine,
their glow.

They have become
tired-
Weary
from lack of sleep,
and worry.
Troubled.

Her green eyes have seen too many tears.

They've cried for joy,
laughter,
death,
fear,
love,
regret.

-V. O'Neel

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I'm not all gloom & doom, I promise. =)

Songs:
"Lady" Regina Spektor
"Balcony/Green Eyes" Joe Purdy
"Blue Lips" Regina Spektor

Making Strides

I have signed up to walk in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk on October 18th. I am currently collecting donations and would appreciate any help you can give. Feel free to share this link with your friends, family, co-workers, or anyone else you think might be interested. Any amount will help, and I know that together we can make a difference to fight this disease which affects so many women and their families across our country.

My Grandmother is a Breast Cancer survivor. I was so young when they found her cancer, I don't even remember it. She was lucky enough to have it detected on a regular mammogram, the cancer was the size of the head of a pin. She was one of the lucky ones, and I am so grateful to organizations like the American Cancer Society for being such strong advocates for education and fundraising. Events like Making Strides are invaluable, they help bring awareness and much needed funds to support research and treatment.

I have had the same best friend since I moved next door to her over 14 years ago. Her mom, Beth, has been like a second mother to me, and I can't imagine my life without her. When I was a senior in high school, Beth was diagnosed with Breast Cancer for the first time. She went through chemotherapy and a very painful surgery to remove nearly half of her right breast, but her treatments were successful, and she was in remission for the next few years. Last summer, Beth went in for her check-up. Unfortunately the doctors found that she had Breast Cancer in her left breast this time, and worse, it had spread to her lymph nodes. She made the bold decision to have a double mastectomy and is now going through chemotherapy for the second time.

I will always admire her for her strength and courage. She has been so incredibly tough throughout this whole ordeal, because she has to be. Beth Loper is the glue that holds her family together, and she knows it. I have seen the way it affects her entire family and the way it has affected mine as well. Right now, the Loper family is fighting for more than just Beth. Her mother and mother-in-law are also currently in treatment for Breast Cancer. My best friend, Allison, is considering preemptive mastectomy to prevent her from getting the cancer which has plagued all generations of her family thus far. We will all continue to pray and have faith that these very important, very strong women, will win their fight.

A little over four years ago, I lost someone very close to me from Breast Cancer. A client of my Mother's, and a close family friend, was diagnosed with breast cancer in her early thirties. She had a toddler son whom I would often babysit. She and her husband were very active in a local church in my hometown, and Julie had a smile that lit up the room. I watched this vibrant, young woman go through chemotherapy and lose her hair and eventually, her breasts. Throughout the entire ordeal, I never once saw Julie without a smile on her face. She was the epitome of strength to me. Sadly, she lost her fight with Breast Cancer, but she will never stop inspiring me and the others whose lives she touched with her positivity. I oftentimes wonder if her son, Luke, who was only three when she passed away, will ever know just how hard his mother fought to stay with him.

As I write this I am furious. I have been so blessed in my life, and I live in such a time of technology, money, and progress, I can't rationalize to myself that there is no cure for Cancer. Treatment is great, and certainly there are many success stories, for which I am grateful. Treatment, however, is not enough. I will not be satisfied until there is a cure for this disease, and there are no more women dying, no more broken families, and no more fear.

Please click on the link below to view my personal page on the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer website. I would greatly appreciate any gift you can give, and you truly will be helping make a difference in the lives of women across the country.

-V.O'Neel

The American Cancer Society
Shared via AddThis

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.”

-Dr. Seuss

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Songs:

"Praise You in this Storm" Casting Crowns

Calling All Heroes!

“We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.”
-Lucretius

I have a lot on my mind this evening, although I'm afraid I haven't got much to say. I'm kind of getting to a point, at least with certain topics, where there are no more words. In short, I want a lot of things for my life. I have often had the internal dialogue; where do I want to be in 5 years? 10? and it usually comes down to the same basic outline; finish my Bachelor's, Master's, get married, raise some kiddos. Hopefully a brilliant career will find it's way in there, somewhere.

I do not believe in taking a passive stance in life. Having goals is useless unless you are willing to do the work it takes to achieve them. I have a hard time not knowing, and an even harder time admitting that there are some things I can't do much about. I can do my best to put myself in a position to be successful in school, and at my workplace, and I can achieve those goals.

I can not however, simply say to myself; Okay. This month, I'm going to find myself a husband. At least, I don't think that's how it works. I'm fine being single for now, mostly. I am just growing tired of it. I oftentimes feel like I'm stuck in a cycle of bad dates, failed relationships, and if I'm honest, one jackass after another-an endless string of letdowns.

So where's this "white knight" my Mother (and Walt Disney) told me about when I was a little girl? Isn't there supposed to be some perfectly chiseled, well spoken, handsome young man around here somewhere? Well, if there is, I certainly haven't found him yet. I'm [still] waiting for my hero. I realize there is not much I can do, so I will have faith and wait patiently until my Prince comes along to save me from this unending chain of frogs.

Now, I don't expect to be literally swept off my feet by some square-jawed Dream Man, but I wouldn't pass up the opportunity, should it pull up to my house in a horse-drawn carriage; that's all I'm saying.

-V.O'Neel

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Note: before you all die of a cliché overload; I'm only half-serious with this post. =)

Songs:
"Holding out for a Hero" Frou Frou
"Dreams" The Cranberries

Image: I took this at my cousin's wedding ceremony.

Cutest flower girl ever, right?

Edited using Picnik.

life is good today.

Today was a really good day.

It's kind of a big deal.

I have no idea why, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like myself. My head is clear, I can breathe. Nothing hurts. I smile for no reason, I laugh because I can. Instead of walking across the room, I choose to dance. I'm alone without feeling lonely. I feel comfort, safety, peace. I feel hopeful and worry-free. I am surrounded by light. My complexion is brighter. Life has returned to my eyes-I can feel it. My heart is full, my shoulders; empty. The weight has been lifted, and there is a sense of freedom in my soul like I haven't felt in ages.

-V. O'Neel

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Author's Note: I finished writing this [very short] entry, and I was disappointed to realize I was already thinking; so how long until something ruins it... Bad! I immediately dismissed this thought as rubbish. I have decided that this is going to be my new normal. No reason for me to continue to live my life bogged down by my past and all of its burdens.

Songs:

"Love Today" Mika

"La la la" LMFAO (can you believe they named their band that?)

"Feeling Good" Muse

"Something's Coming" Westside Story [love]