Thursday, March 25, 2010

Mr. Sandman, I have a bone to pick with you...

I have been having the weirdest dreams lately, and none of them have been good ones.
They started out as dreams of my boyfriend cheating on me, which is semi-normal for me because I have trust issues, whatev, don't we all? But my dream last night has been bothering me all morning. I dreamt of my ex. I guess that's all he is now, is my ex. I used to consider him one of my closest friends, but it has been made exceedingly clear to me, that is no longer the case - maybe it never was.

Last time we spoke, the ex told me he was going off to Basic Military Training at the end of this month, so I guess I understand why he's been entering my mind so often of late. But let me tell you, it is super annoying! There have been a couple times this week alone when I almost called Josh by the wrong name, usually when I was annoyed or upset...go figure.

So, anyways, this dream. It took place in my church. He was there and gigantically tall. I mean, he's a tall guy, but in my dream he was massive. At first he was cold, no surprises there, but before he left he grabbed my hand with tears in his eyes. I wish I could remember what was said, but I can't. I just remember telling him how proud of him I am.

I guess that's it, then. I'm proud of him. For the man he is, and for the man he is working so hard to become. He's in a stable relationship (seemingly, I don't really know the details), which is something that eluded him (and certainly us) in the past. He is going after his goals with determination I always knew he had in him, and my only regret is that we have lost contact and I am not able to adequately praise and support him on his journey. I have learned a lot over the past few years, but perhaps the most important thing is this;

I love permanently.

I am incapable of temporary, conditional love. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not in love with everyone I have dated in the past, and I am definitely not the picture of perfection and love in the eyes of all of my exes. Absolutely not. I do, however, have a lot of love in my heart for this man who made up such a big part of my life for so long, and I have no doubt that I always will. If he ever needs an ear or a shoulder, he has a spot on mine. When we love, we give a little piece of ourselves to our beloved and take a little piece in return. When I was a little girl I was warned about this by my parents, Sunday school teachers, and pastors, as if giving a little piece of your heart away makes you incomplete.

In my experience, I have found this to be false. God is good. He loves me, and will never leave me feeling empty or incomplete, unless I push him away and try to fill my life with the pleasures and trappings of this world. I have made many mistakes in the past, in my own life, and in relationships. I have learned from them, tenfold. I am so blessed to have Joshua in my life, he teaches me of God's unconditional, agape love for me, daily. He has been in my life for over ten years, and has seen me at my worst. Actually, he was the person I knew I could always call, and has given me an ear or a shoulder on several occasions, even when he had feelings for me that I was too wrapped up in myself to reciprocate. He is the friend I strive to be. He encourages me to grow in my faith, and to forgive the hurt in my past, and myself for my part in it. He loves me...permanently. Maybe that's why we work.

Getting back to my original topic, my dreams. Does anybody feel like interpreting them for me? If you know me at all, you know that I psycho-analyze and over-analyze pretty darn near everything, so you can imagine my frustration in trying to make sense of my silly subconscious. Here's what I've gathered thus far; I have trust issues, I still love my ex (in my own dysfunctional-functional way), and I have got to start letting things go. Oh well, I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[Psalm 139:14] The rest will work itself out.

I hope everyone is having a great first week of spring, enjoy the sunny weather, and I wish you all sweet dreams!


"Your Ex-Lover is Dead" Stars
"Unstoppable" Rascall Flatts

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