This morning I am not in the best of moods. There are several reasons for this;
Running off of approx. 4 hours of sleep (for several nights in a row)
There is ground coffee here, but no coffee maker. I totally just put a filter in my cup and poured hot water over it. Result: weakest cup of coffee ever. Caffeine should come in the form of an I.V.
The THREE year old I nanny hasn't even begun potty-training
Last night, I picked a fight with Josh for no reason. He didn't really do anything to deserve it, except for being within a 10 ft. radius of me & my crazy.
Allergies
Weezer is singing a song called "All My Friends Are Insects" on the television right now...in bug costumes.
Okay. Time to de-stress. It's almost my favorite time of the day...naptime! The kiddo is finishing her lunch right now, then it's TV off, diaper change, baby monitor on, BREAK TIME!
Hope your Wednesday is off to a better start than mine!
"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more.
You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement.
They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.
There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.
Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby.
Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.
You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end.
Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
Patience is not something that is traditionally valued in our culture. Mine is the instant gratification generation. We want the best, and we want it now. I can Tivo my favorite television programs if I don't feel like waiting through the commercials, and if I don't feel like waiting until I get home, I can always watch it on Hulu.
I am not a patient person. As horrible as it sounds, if something doesn't come easily to me, I don't usually stick with it. In my life growing up, I thought I was hard-working. I now know this to be false. The things I devoted my time to, are the things I have always been naturally gifted in, and in which I have had to put forth minimal effort to succeed. School was the easiest thing ever for me with the exception of mathematics, a subject I always ended up sliding by in, usually by winning the teacher over with my dazzling personality and/or flirting with the cute(ish), smart guy sitting next to me and having him "help" me.
Music has been one of the most influential forces in my life since before I can remember, but I know that I've never had to work very hard, or at all, to be successful. Everything I wanted, I got. Everything I tried out for, I made. I sometimes can't believe I had the nerve to audition for All State (choir) by basically sight-reading the music. I am very grateful for my talent and that that which I'm passionate about is an area I have natural ability in, but there's something to be said for work ethic. And patience.
I am impatient in relationships. I want people to be up front and honest, and to stick to their word, 'final answer?' style. I don't have the time for character flaws, or to deal with my own. I want to know the past, present, and plans for the future, so I can make a timely decision on whether the relationship is worth pursuing or devoting energy and emotion to. It sounds cold, but I assure you, I'm not. This might be the only calculating, "rational" thought process I employ, as most of my actions are based in emotion, not logic. I think this pro and con list approach is my defense mechanism of choice; needing to see a situation from every single possible angle so I am never fully surprised or disappointed at any given outcome. Healthy? Perhaps not. But it works, for the most part.
So, here's what I'm learning, folks:
Patience is good.
Waiting is good for me, it breeds character. It's healthy to not always get what I want, when and how I want it. Sometimes, what I think I want, I am not ready for. God is a much better judge of my readiness, than I. In my most uncertain times, I learn the most.
Case in point: my current relationship. In the beginning, all he asked me for was time. Time for him to see things from my point of view, and for me to try and understand where he was coming from as well. We were raised in the same city, but in two entirely different worlds. We are so not two peas, but the really great thing, is that we're getting there. This morning, we had an extended conversation about a not so glorious story from my past. Instead of hearing my words and making up a version of the story in his mind, with his spin on it, he listened to me. It really helped put a lot of things in perspective for us. There was an issue in the beginning of our relationship that feels very resolved now, and I am more confident now now than ever, that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Long story even longer, sometimes when I am patient, even begrudgingly, I get what I truly want, just not in the way I thought it would turn out.
Did that seem a little ambiguous and confusing? I'm sorry if it did, but I would like to respect his privacy (kinda), and quite honestly, I think I'm going to be done typing now and go great ready to have a little brunch with my man. Just know that I'm happy, he's happy, and Penny the puggle is cuter than ever.
That's all for now, friends. Have a great Sunday, be blessed!
----------------------------------------------
Songs:
"Patience" Guns n Roses
"Right Here Waiting" Staind
See? Sometimes if we are PATIENT we get something even better than what we originally had in mind =)
Today is the longest day of the year...and Lincoln, Nebraska, has spent most of it in a thunderstorm. The sun is finally peeking it's way through the clouds after a morning of dreary, soppiness. I absolutely love warm weather, and am so looking forward to Summer 2010!
On the to-do list this summer...
Lazy days in the park with Penny
New Connect Group (bible study)
Tampa (!) with Joshua for the 4th of July
Move into new apartment!
$ave for new car...Tauri has seen better days, folks.
Haha, I love this picture and I couldn't resist. These are two of my favorite creatures on the planet. I love my sweet girl Penny and her favorite puggle-snuggler!
I constantly have random songs playing in my head. I've often referred to my brain as an ipod on shuffle. I have no idea where they come from, but I try not to question it. Here are a few extremely random earworms I've been haunted by this week, enjoy!
"Major Tom" -Peter Schilling
"We Didn't Start the Fire" -Billy Joel
"They're Coming To Take Me Away" -Dr. Demento
"Tarzan and Jane" -Aqua (Toy Box)
Hurray for the WEEKEND! I'm going to meet Josh's father's family tonight...wish me luck!
Lately, I have become increasingly obsessed with taking personality profile tests online. I get bored on my nanny days during nap-time. I found a super quick one this morning and it's pretty interesting. Basically, look at the pictures (below). The slower they move, the less stressed you are, or the better you are at handling stress. Children and the elderly usually see them as motionless, while alleged criminals see them spinning furiously.
I wouldn't say spinning furiously...but the first one kinda made me dizzy.
I used to think they mean something, now I'm not so sure. It's not that I've changed my mind so much as I'm hoping now that they are meaningless. I used to have a relatively good report with my dreams. Good or bad, I would remember them for the first few moments upon waking, and consequently recall them less as less as the day went on. I would assume most people share this experience. Lately, my subconscious and I must be on the outs or something, because I've been having dreams almost nightly, usually with a similar theme or cast of characters, and they stick with me throughout the day. Lame.
These silly dreams are confusing me. The constant appearance of a certain someone from my past usually leaves me with a mild heartache all day. I have woken to the wetness of tears forming in the corners of my sleeping eyes on more than once occasion this past week...what's up with that?
I'm doing the 'happy' thing right now. I left the job which was slowly sucking the soul out of me for one I am equally talented at and leaves me fulfilled each day. I am financially sound and being semi-responsible with money for the first time since I learned that I could withdraw the babysitting money out of my savings account when I was 13. I have a man who loves me, near as I can tell, and has been really sweet to me, even when I haven't deserved it. Oh, and I have a puppy, a really freakin' cute one! Happy all around, right?
So, what is the deal with this dream-induced melancholy I'm battling today? I'm having a moment. Okay, I'm having several moments. I've been reading about dreams, and most theorists and psychiatrists tend to assert that dreams are the work of one's subconscious. A recent study showed that dreams are mostly the results of recent experiences. Well, my dreams aren't paying much attention to that study, apparently. My unconscious mind is seemingly anchored in the past, and I'd really just like to move the hell on and make with the happy!
So...assuming Freud is right and there's something to this whole subconscious thing...I have a message for mine;
Just another music lover with unending aspiration and occasional inspiration. I started this blog because I couldn't find a pen. Seriously. Taking on my quarter-life crisis one song at a time. Stop by, say hi!
"Wheresoever the sun shines, the wind blows, there is an ear to hear, and a mind to conceive, there let the precepts of life be made known, let the maxims of truth be honored and obeyed, let there be music, and let there be Peace". -Dave Johnston
live.love.laugh.
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -Marilyn Monroe
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." -Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
For God so loved the WORLD...
"Be of love a little more careful than of anything" -e.e. cummings
Posts
