Confession: Just say it.

Oscar Wilde said, "It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution." So, I'm going to admit something stupid today, that I might be absolved. I probably shouldn't post this on the worldwide web for everyone and their Grandmother's Uncle's Step-Niece's Great Aunt to see....but what the heck.

I am not over my ex.

Not fully anyways, but I'm getting there. The reason I say I'm admitting something stupid is that we broke up a long freakin' time ago. It was one of those break-ups that didn't take though, you know the kind? Where you don't talk any less...or any differently. So for well over a year now, I have been stuck in a really lame cycle of co-dependent, tear-filled conversations, fights, and reconciliations.

Not that it's even really his fault, totally. I mean, throughout this whole thing [the better part of 3 years] I've been a broken record, the epitome of dysfunction, parroting over and over, "I'll be here no matter what". Yuck. Ladies, don't EVER say that. If you do, you might as well say, "Do whatever you want, Babe, lie, cheat, lie, yell, lie, lie, lie...and I'll still be here when you get bored." Ugh. And unfortunately, I am the kind of person who sticks. I stick to my word. I stick to the people I love. I like it when things make sense, and I like it when there's a plan I can stick to. So, needless to say, when I told this man I would be there no matter what, well, I've been there no matter what.

Let the record show that the crazy lady has stopped her ranting and raving. I do have something to add on a serious note. The most recent example of "no matter what" came almost two months ago. On this particular night, he and I were on good terms, and had been for quite some time. I think there was even some talk about making things "unofficially official", or some such nonsense, I don't know, I've tried to block that part out. Anyways, he had been out drinking on this evening and had been keeping me abreast of his activities via text message. I was a little annoyed, but nothing out of the ordinary.

Because I knew he had been drinking, I wasn't surprised when I heard his ring tone go off around 3 in the morning. John Legend's "This Time", which gives me chills every time I hear it, now. I usually don't answer phone calls at this time of night, but for some reason, I picked up the call. A pointless conversation ensued. About halfway through the mindless chatter, he had a call waiting on the other line from his sister, unusual for this time of the night/morning. When he switched back over from speaking with her I knew something was wrong because of the shaky way he said my name. He told me his family had been in a car accident on the highway, a head-on collision with a 19-year-old drunk driver. His Father and 10-year-old Brother were doing alright, but his Mother was trapped in the car.

It was a nightmare. I spent the next few hours on the phone with him, talking him through every range of emotion expected of someone in that situation. I listened to him panic and cry, I calmed him down and talked him out of murdering a 19-year-old. Nightmare. It's funny how human nature works. When someone you love is in crisis, nothing matters. It didn't matter that he was acting foolish earlier and saying inappropriate things, it didn't matter that we were in the middle of another unhealthy conversation, every heartbreak he had caused me in the past was immediately irrelevant, because I have never felt a pain like the one he was feeling in that moment.

Did I mention he lives in Texas? Yeah, he lives 600 miles away from me. He asked me to come down, so of course, I did. Don't even ask me how much the last-minute flight cost, but like my roommate's Jewish mother says, there's no price. I hadn't seen him in a year, so I was the world's most nervous person on the flight down to Texas. What am I going to feel when he picks me up at the airport? Why didn't I get a haircut or a spray tan....I knew I would regret skipping those workouts...I was a bundle of nerves. Truth be told, I had been putting off visiting my friends in Texas all year, because I was afraid I would just burst into uncontrollable tears the moment I saw him.

I didn't. In fact, much to my surprise, I didn't do much of anything. I didn't feel much of anything. The only thing that came to mind to say was, "You're tall." I'm eloquent that way. He is tall by the way, 6' 3'' at the very least. Now, I'm not going to go into everything that occurred during my visit, because I'm honestly not ready to drudge it all out of my memory just yet. The wounds are fresh. But it'll make for a juicy blog some day, I'm sure. Bottom line, I was there for 5 days, saw him for the first 24 hours, and spent the majority of my time stuck in my former roommate's apartment, alone.

None of that is what is bothering me, currently. What keeps me up at night is this; it's like it never happened. After my flight landed and I was back home, everything was as if I had never left in the first place. We didn't talk about it, he didn't mention it, in fact, he didn't mention much of anything. I understand that some men can't handle their emotions, and certainly this was an emotion-filled time for him, so I gave him a lot of benefit of the doubt. I figured we would talk when he was ready to talk. But we didn't, we still haven't, and it's eating me alive.

After a tense week of forced conversation, I learned that he has a new girlfriend [again]. It doesn't even surprise me anymore, but there's still that little pang of hurt every time. To go from hearing the "I love you"s and all the realtionshippy things that come along with it one week, to having that same person be with someone else the next week gives me a kind of emotional whip-lash that I can't even begin to know how to deal with. All I know is that I'm done making excuses. When people go through trauma, they're allowed to act however they want, within reason. As long as they're not harming themselves, or physically harming others, there should be no judgement. I'm not holding it against him.

So, that's the stance I'm taking now. I'm not going to slip back into my old routine and wait around. It's ridiculous. I flew 1200 miles, spent 5 days and way too much money, and it's like it never happened. I have proven to him, and definitely to myself, that I will do anything for the ones I love. I'm beyond heart-broken. I'm devastatingly confused, I never imagined that being there for this man would be the thing that causes me to lose him, for good this time, I think.

Sometimes, I think this last disappointment was necessary. Although this time was not his fault, with so much time and distance between us, it was easy for me to forget just how bad it feels to go out of your way only to be let down. Let me clarify something, I did not fly to Texas to reconcile with my ex-boyfriend. I flew down to be with my best friend during the hardest time of his life. But all that has transpired between us since the ill-fated trip has just been awful, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. No, I'm not over him. Yes, I still love him so badly that it deprives me of sleep. But I'm getting over him, and it's not every night anymore, so that's progress.

There's nothing left for me to do, but live. If I keep breathing, eventually things will get better. If, by some miracle, this girl turns out to be the one for him, I wish him all the happiness in the world. Well, maybe not all of it, let's be truthful here. I do wish him well, I love him-and that's not going to change. Okay, so that's my admission, my poorly hidden secret, and just one of the issues I'm dealing with. Life is a work in progress, after all.

-V.O'Neel

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Quick update:
His family is doing much better. Mom and Brother have had multiple surgeries and his Mother is still in a rehab center, I have a feeling she will be there for a long time. She has always been a very special person to me, and I will continue to have faith and pray for her recovery. I'm planning to write another entry about the accident when I have more time and strength of mind/heart to do it justice. This was more a therapy session via Blogger for me.

Photo Credit: Catholic Home and Garden
(I'm protestant though, in case you wondered).

Songs:
"Let Go" Frou Frou
"Speeding Cars" Imogen Heap
"One of Those Days" Joshua Radin