Tuesday, January 19, 2010

...but Romeo & Juliet DIED in the end!

Dreary Day Thoughts on Fate, Destiny, and the Devastating Power of Love:

When the weather is icky and there's nothing to do, it leaves a lot of time for introspection...and wine. So, of course, I've been psycho-analyzing and over-analyzing my current dating dilemma. I've had several late-night roomie therapy sessions with Jill lately, and recently, we got to talking about signs.

Remember J, my "vintage guy?" We've been spending a lot of time together, and while I truly enjoy his company and learning more about him, I am at a loss of what to do. It's all so very confusing. We've had a very eventful, complicated history that has lasted over a decade. J knows me, and likes me anyways. He knows when I'm faking a smile and when I'm acting angry because I'm really hurt, and he doesn't hesitate to call me out for doing either one. Most of all, J knows, too well, that when things start to get serious between he & I, I bolt. And usually I bolt straight into the arms of someone or something that is terrible for me.

So, here's the deal; I'm not bolting. This little relationshippy friendship project of mine has the potential to devastate me -I can feel it. I'm invested, and not just for history's sake. I'm really diggin' this guy with the ocean-blue eyes. He's got me hooked, and not for the usual reasons. Usually, I pick guys with problems. Nothing super serious like substance abuse or sociopathic tendencies, but I oftentimes find myself sticking with someone because the pros technically outweigh the cons and well, I love a good people-puzzle.

Not this time. I, very genuinely, want and accept this man for exactly who he is, right now. Flaws and all. Weird, huh? My first thought? This can not end well for me...prepare yourself, my heart. Putting the typical, Vanessa, "doom and gloom" mentality for happiness aside for a moment, this whatevership also has the potential to be something good, something real. Let me just tell you, dear readers, I would give anything for something real. I feel like I've gone through a good portion of my life, faking. I've faked smiles, relationships, friendships, kisses...and well, let's just say I'm a pretty good actress when it comes to certain things. It used to bother me immensely that this man can call my bluff, but now, I'm so grateful for it.

At times, I find myself being so open, honest, and venerable with him, it terrifies me and leaves me teary-eyed and shaking. I only wish I was being over-dramatic when I say this, but he, quite literally, makes me weak in the knees. Gross. I'll pause a moment for those of you with sensitive gag reflexes, I apologize. I'll ramble about something else now.

Back to the signs, do you believe in them? Coincidence or fate? I know the spirit likes to speak to us with a still, small voice...but every now and then, don't you long for the Old Testament, booming voice of God? It'd be nice if He would send a dove or a pillar of fire or something, because I sure could use a sign right about now. Despite my best efforts, this man seems to keep finding his way back into my life, and I seem to continuously stumble, trip, or fall back into his.

So, what gives? Is the universe, or rather, the Creator of the universe, trying to tell me something? Have I really been spending all these years complaining about how I long for a true friend, and a true love, all the while overlooking the fact that this person was the same person I was complaining to? If so, why does something disastrous usually happen to prevent us from actually being together? Which is it, star-crossed or pre-destined?

I haven't a clue. But with each kiss, each conversation, each time he takes my hand or touches my face and smiles, I think I'm getting a little closer to figuring it out.

"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
Romeo & Juliet: Act II Scene 2
-William Shakespeare

"Just the Way You Are" Billy Joel
"I'll Follow You Into The Dark" Death Cab for Cutie
"Glycerine" Bush

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