Bête noire

©2006-2010 $chix0r

Regret

It's a silent foe that haunts me.

Will I ever be free?

The looming beast which stalks me,

lives within my memories.

When night falls, I fear to close my eyes,

for in my dreams he comes.

My captor holds me without chains,

Binding me with fright.

He is powerless without me,

it's my screams which give him strength.

Fear pulls me down and holds me;

I did not struggle.

I did not fight.

I can't escape.

-V

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Goodness, I just can't wait until Tuesday is over with.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind."

-2 Timothy 1:7

Songs:

"Stockholm Syndrome" Muse

"To Salt a Scar" The Gentle Waves

"This Old Wound" Dashboard Confessional

"Monsters Under the Bed" Eugene McGuinness

photo credit

Friday Fiction

Something silly happened this week, and I've had my head in the clouds ever since...

NO, not that.

No crazily quick engagement, so settle down, Mom. (She reads my blog, isn't that sweet?) Anyways, Here's the story: While helping my beau study for his Business Law test, I noticed that he was messing around on his Macbook. (Yes, he's a Mac person & I'm jealous, too.) So, I asked him what he was doing (instead of studying), and he turned the laptop around and said, "How about this one?" On the screen was something shiny. With a Tiffany blue background.

I have absolutely no idea what possessed this man to go to Tiffany & Co. and look at engagement rings... I don't remember dropping any hints, because that would have been INSANE of me. I guess when a girl goes to a diner (read: dive) with you at midnight in a sweatshirt and a messy ponytail & quizzes you with flashcards, it evokes thoughts of marriage? Men are funny creatures, aren't they? We laughed it off and turned our attention back to studying & scrambled eggs.

Nevertheless, I've had visions of diamonds dancing in my head all week. Now, I am nowhere near ready to actually start planning an engagement or wedding, especially with such a new relationship, but I'd be lying to you if I said I never think about it. Every girl dreams of a big white wedding to the man of her dreams, whomever he may be, yes? There's no harm in daydreams, right?

So, here's my little bit of Friday Fiction:

The Tiffany Legacy Cushion Cut Platinum Engagement Ring.

© T&CO. 2010

2 carats.

Costs more than I make in a year.

Drool away, Ladies.

-V

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Songs:

"Breakfast at Tiffany's" Deep Blue Something

"Love and Marriage" Frank Sinatra

"Daydreaming" Lupe Fiasco

Note: Joshua, if you're reading this, I love you! & don't be intimidated...1 carat will do ;-)

Love is friendship...caught fire.

My love-

rest your head.

you will find peace

upon my shoulder.

My heart-

it burns with love for you,

a flame that's smoldered through the years.

No wind or flood can quench.

My life-

it is not my own,

but I will share it with you.

I'll face your foes when you are weak.

Love, let me carry you.

-V

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Songs:

"Supermassive Black Hole" Muse

"Kiss of Fire" Louis Armstrong

"Never Gonna Be Alone" Nickelback

photo credit

"Love is friendship...caught fire" full quote by Laura Hendricks here

Photo Finish Friday

Well...it was a close one, but I made it to Friday. Here are a few snapshots from my silly, stressful, wonderful week:

This one was taken by "Nice Guy #1" (remember him?) at Ramo's, my favorite little karaoke bar/pizza place on Tuesday night. I sang a little Whitney Houston, "I wanna dance with somebody" (of course!) and Roomie Jill (the smiling brunette in the pic) found an old trumpet hanging on the wall...can you tell why I love this place?

Funny story about this little guy: While leaving the karaoke joint, a man I'd never met before handed me a rose. I didn't think much of it, after all, it's Ramo's, of course a random man would buy me a bar flower! A few seconds later, an acquaintance of mine, who had been talking up my roommate all night, grabs the flower from my hand, and gives it to Jill. I guess he figured she wouldn't find out he had stolen it from her roommate. Men. Needless to say, she hasn't been answering his text messages this week. =)

And this, my darlings, is the comforter on my bed. Yes, it's satin. Yes, it's tacky, and yes, I love it! This is where I plan to spend a great deal of time this weekend. It's been another trying week for me and I have every intention of keeping my date with Mr. Sandman.

I hope you all had a great work week & are gearing up for a relaxing weekend with the ones you love! I, unfortunately, will be spending a great deal of mine working, but at least there's no schoolwork for me until Monday!

-V

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Songs:

"Working for the Weekend" Loverboy

"Friday I'm in Love" The Cure

"Mr. Sandman" The Chordettes

[almost] Wordless Wednesday

...let's face it. I'm never speechless. But today, I only have three words running through my mind. For his eyes as blue as the ocean and twice as deep, for the strength of his arms, and even stronger - his heart. For all he has been, for everything he is in this moment, and despite an uncertain future;

I love him.

[and everyone who reads this blog said, "Duh!"]

-V

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Songs:

"1,2,3,4" Plain White Tees

...but Romeo & Juliet DIED in the end!

Dreary Day Thoughts on Fate, Destiny, and the Devastating Power of Love:

When the weather is icky and there's nothing to do, it leaves a lot of time for introspection...and wine. So, of course, I've been psycho-analyzing and over-analyzing my current dating dilemma. I've had several late-night roomie therapy sessions with Jill lately, and recently, we got to talking about signs.

Remember J, my "vintage guy?" We've been spending a lot of time together, and while I truly enjoy his company and learning more about him, I am at a loss of what to do. It's all so very confusing. We've had a very eventful, complicated history that has lasted over a decade. J knows me, and likes me anyways. He knows when I'm faking a smile and when I'm acting angry because I'm really hurt, and he doesn't hesitate to call me out for doing either one. Most of all, J knows, too well, that when things start to get serious between he & I, I bolt. And usually I bolt straight into the arms of someone or something that is terrible for me.

So, here's the deal; I'm not bolting. This little relationshippy friendship project of mine has the potential to devastate me -I can feel it. I'm invested, and not just for history's sake. I'm really diggin' this guy with the ocean-blue eyes. He's got me hooked, and not for the usual reasons. Usually, I pick guys with problems. Nothing super serious like substance abuse or sociopathic tendencies, but I oftentimes find myself sticking with someone because the pros technically outweigh the cons and well, I love a good people-puzzle.

Not this time. I, very genuinely, want and accept this man for exactly who he is, right now. Flaws and all. Weird, huh? My first thought? This can not end well for me...prepare yourself, my heart. Putting the typical, Vanessa, "doom and gloom" mentality for happiness aside for a moment, this whatevership also has the potential to be something good, something real. Let me just tell you, dear readers, I would give anything for something real. I feel like I've gone through a good portion of my life, faking. I've faked smiles, relationships, friendships, kisses...and well, let's just say I'm a pretty good actress when it comes to certain things. It used to bother me immensely that this man can call my bluff, but now, I'm so grateful for it.

At times, I find myself being so open, honest, and venerable with him, it terrifies me and leaves me teary-eyed and shaking. I only wish I was being over-dramatic when I say this, but he, quite literally, makes me weak in the knees. Gross. I'll pause a moment for those of you with sensitive gag reflexes, I apologize. I'll ramble about something else now.

Back to the signs, do you believe in them? Coincidence or fate? I know the spirit likes to speak to us with a still, small voice...but every now and then, don't you long for the Old Testament, booming voice of God? It'd be nice if He would send a dove or a pillar of fire or something, because I sure could use a sign right about now. Despite my best efforts, this man seems to keep finding his way back into my life, and I seem to continuously stumble, trip, or fall back into his.

So, what gives? Is the universe, or rather, the Creator of the universe, trying to tell me something? Have I really been spending all these years complaining about how I long for a true friend, and a true love, all the while overlooking the fact that this person was the same person I was complaining to? If so, why does something disastrous usually happen to prevent us from actually being together? Which is it, star-crossed or pre-destined?

I haven't a clue. But with each kiss, each conversation, each time he takes my hand or touches my face and smiles, I think I'm getting a little closer to figuring it out.

"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,

May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."

Romeo & Juliet: Act II Scene 2

-William Shakespeare

-V

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Songs:

"Just the Way You Are" Billy Joel

"I'll Follow You Into The Dark" Death Cab for Cutie

"Glycerine" Bush

the W A I T I N G game.

I loathe the waiting game. I don't like waiting for people in traffic, in relationships, and certainly not waiting until February to figure out a potentially harmful medical issue. Waiting is LAME. I usually figure out what it is that I want fairly quickly, at least when it comes to relationships and love. I either want to be with someone, or I don't, and that's that. No messing around, no games, either stick with it or cut ties and move on.

This week I feel like the little girl in the picture, I'm sick of waiting and downright grumpy! Lately, it seems that my life is full of waiting. I have to wait to find out what's going on with me health-wise, I'm waiting for the man I'm seeing (J.) to figure out what he wants out of life right now. Now, that last one is a very long, ridiculous story but I'll give you the bullet points. J. loves me, always has, always will. I reciprocate those sentiments. I always thought this whole building a relationship out of a friendship thing would be relatively easy. Wrong. It's especially not easy when someone you have counted on for 10 years picks this to be the week of all weeks he lies to you. Not just a little lie, either. A big, fat, heart-stomping, trust-breaking lie. Ugh. But what am I supposed to do? Throw away 10 years of history? Who am I to judge? I'm no saint. I told J. my theory of the week on giving chances in relationships;

Once is a mistake, Twice is a red flag, Three is a pattern, Three strikes, you're out!

I'm stressed and absent-minded. My distractedness is manifesting itself mostly with the constant misplacing of my car keys. Last week alone, I locked them in my car (!!), lost them in the couch for two hours, and walked around the house looking for them only to discover that I was carrying them in my purse all the while. Oh, and you'll love this one, I left my car door open last Tuesday night. As in, the driver's side door WIDE OPEN all night! With my debit card sitting in the cupholder! Debit cards don't belong in cupholders! Luckily, no one stole it and my battery didn't die on me, so even in my state of temporary insanity, I am still blessed by grace.

Time for some perspective. We all have bad weeks, some of us have bad months! It's important for me to not let myself be overrun with negativity. It's easy to take the easy road, and hard to take the hard road. Negativity is easy, playing the victim is easy, blaming others is easy. Life is a constrant string of successes and failures, it's which of these you focus on that determines your happiness. I choose to focus on the good. I have accomplished a lot over the past year, battled a few demons I had let control my life for far too long. I am proud, and filled with hope for the coming year. 2010 has already thrown me a few curve balls, but I know that He will not give me more than I can handle. Bring it on!

"Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience"

-Author Unknown

-V

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Songs:

"Tangled Up in You" Staind [because he plays this for me on his guitar...]

"Apologize" OneRepublic [because I'm still trying to be mad]

photo credit

Not So Wordless Wednesday

Y'know what I dislike even more than being woken up early on my day off? When it's my doctor calling me to tell me they found "abnormal cells" on my annual screening & need to do a biopsy "just to be sure". Happy New Year!

I'm not freaking out until I have a reason to, it's probably nothing. Of course, I am not super excited about dealing with a biopsy needle and going under a microscope, and it doesn't help that my regular internal medicine doctor is passing me off to the cold hands of a specialist I don't know...but I'm certain everything will turn out to be all right. God is so good, y'all.

So, now we play my least favorite of games; the waiting game. LAME!

-V

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"The Fear" Lily Allen

"Right Here" Staind

Image: from the Flickr photostream of Astor Cazzolla

...Now, that's change I can believe in!

I have decided that 2010 will be a year of change.

It will be a year of change for me, and for many of my loved ones.

My (much blogged about) ex will be entering the United States Air Force, and I couldn't be prouder of him. It is so exciting to see someone go for their goals, and use the potential you always knew they had. This friendship has become something very dear to my heart, for better or for worse. My how the time flies... Sunrise, Sunset.

My dear friend is going through a divorce and I have a feeling a custody battle is looming in his future, so 2010 is going to be a difficult year for his family. I need to make sure that I pray not only for healing in his heart and stability for his child, but for my own understanding and patience within our friendship.

One of my closest girlfriends is expecting her first child with her boyfriend-I am just so excited for them! I know there will be many blessing and challenges in store for them in the coming year, and it will be interesting and amazing to see how they deal with the hurdles and hiccups of young parenthood.

[Shameless New Blog Plug] In celebration of the New Year, I have launched a new blog...you can find it right here. I buckled down and finalized the checklist, and I am proud to say that quite a few things are in the works to be crossed off! I've chosen some serious goals, a few adventures, and more than a few just-for-fun silly tasks for my 2010 mini bucket list.

These are just a few of the things I am looking most forward to in the coming year, I'm ready for change, how about you? Welcome to 2010, my dear readers, let's make it a great one!

-V

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Songs:

"The Call" Regina Spektor

"The Girl and the Robot" Royksopp

mantra for the new year

“Life is either a daring adventure, or it is nothing.”
~ Helen Keller

For some, 2010 may be a year of settling and settling down...

But as for me;

I will run full speed ahead, with reckless abandon.

I will be brazen, bold, and fearless.

I will sing at the top of my lungs, no matter the company.

I choose to laugh; unabashedly and smile from the heart.

I choose to dance and live and breathe deeply.

I will love with everything in me and risk it all.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Let's make 2010 a year to remember!

-V

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Songs:

"Sink or Swim" Tyrone Wells

"My Dear Acquaintance (A Happy New Year)" Regina Spektor